Bono

Source: Bigstock

Right, Bono: two Jews and a black guy. Guaranteed to win the hearts and minds of the planet’s biggest black-hating anti-Semites!

Except…I actually watched Bono’s “€œtestimony”€ after reading about it. And despite his repeated insistence to the contrary, I got the feeling he was, well, joking. The way he fairly spits out his “€œsend in the clowns”€ flourish at the end”€”especially his hurried, smirking “€œthank you”€”€”reminded me of every bratty boy I”€™d ever seen squirming at the front of the classroom like a bug pinned to a board, who clearly hadn”€™t read the book he was “€œreporting”€ on and just wanted to be anywhere else but there, as soon as possible.

So… Dear Bono: You have everyone’s permission to stop doing this crap. We”€™ve been telling you to let it go for decades.

Alas, I don”€™t think he”€™ll ever get that message, either. As for going away, the bad news is that Bono may actually be”€”if not really a Eurocratic human/poop hybrid or a Central Park Illuminati“€”nevertheless an immortal of sorts. He’s recently survived not only a catastrophic bicycle accident but also a near miss in his Learjet.

All of which, naturally, inspired more”€”but of course”€”satire:

He’s too short for snipers, he’s too pious for a drug overdose, and he should have been crushed under the weight of his own ego years ago but somehow it only makes him stronger.

“€œFate apologizes,”€ the Daily Mash “€œreported,”€ “€œfor letting Bono live.”€