January 13, 2012
4. HE SPRINKLES HOMOPHOBES WITH FAIRY DUST
Though he happily took a pounding so he could shake the hand of a guy whose last name means “shitty lube,” he sprinkled magic fairy dust all over virulently anti-gay presidential candidate Randall Terry on Dec 19th at the “Lesser Known Presidential Candidates Forum.” Supreme explained: “Jesus told me to turn Randall Terry gay.” This wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had a president who talks to the Lord.
5. HE’LL GIVE EVERY AMERICAN A PONY
This seems a bit crazy but like everything Vermin does, it is drenched in nuance. He says that switching to a pony-based economy kills a whole flock of birds with one stone. It ends our dependence on oil by ending our dependence on cars. The methane the ponies produce is a new energy source that creates jobs and will boost the economy. Their precious manure will revitalize our weakened soil.
6. HE’LL HARNESS ZOMBIE POWER
Zombieism has already been discovered in ants and it’s only a matter of time before it spreads to higher species such as ours. Instead of letting terror win, Supreme suggests harnessing zombies’ power by chaining them to factory floors and dangling brains in front of them. A guy in a bar told me about junkie slaves in India being paid in heroin, and he said it works well. Can we at least try it? Actually, who cares what you think? The guy’s a dictator.
7. HE’LL INVEST IN TIME-TRAVEL RESEARCH
President Vermin Supreme will allocate a large part of the budget for time travel because he wants to go back to 1889 and kill baby Hitler. This is dangerous because we don’t know what effects it could have on the entire space-time continuum, but let’s at least go back to his crib and yell something like, “FUCK YOU, BABY HITLER!”
8. HE’S AN ANARCHIST
Libertarians are great and I love the idea of Ron Paul teaming up with Chris Christie like Master Blaster from Beyond Thunderdome, but we’ve gone way past needing someone who wants to drastically cut spending. We need someone who is going to cut it off and flush it down the toilet. Vermin Supreme is the world’s only wannabe dictator who wants no government whatsoever.
9. HE HAS A BOOT ON HIS HEAD
He has a boot on his head.
10. HE INTENDS TO BREAK EVERY PROMISE HE MAKES
Grover Norquist has Washington, DC in the palm of his hand because he can end the career of any politician who breaks a promise. You know what President Vermin Supreme will do when Norquist threatens to out him for violating the Pledge? He’ll say, “Dude, that WAS my pledge. I said I was going to break all my promises.” You just lost your powers, Super Grover.
Vermin Supreme serves as a constant reminder that this whole process is bullshit. While they all pretend your vote matters and the president you elect can “make your voice heard,” Vermin keeps it real. “Remember,” he said through a bullhorn at a recent convention, “a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.” As he so eloquently puts it, “All politicians are vermin. You might as well vote for the Supreme one.”