Plan Biden From Outer Space

In the words of John Goodman from Barton Fink, “Jesus, it’s hot.” L.A.’s historic, unprecedented September heat wave is literally murdering me. But you wanna know what’s killing me worse? You people hyuck-hyucking about how California can’t keep the lights on. A thousand Twitter ...

Resigned to Apartheid

This is my third “apartheid” column in a row—consider it the close of a trilogy. Several readers have noted the depressing nature and resigned tone of the previous two pieces, to which the best reply I can muster is, at this point I genuinely believe that chronicling is all that’s left to ...

White Crimes of the Future

June 2002: A white woman named Valinda Elliott accompanied her boss on a business trip through the Arizona desert. When their car broke down and the boss suffered heatstroke, Elliott lit a signal fire to alert a passing helicopter. Unfortunately, the fire grew into a larger blaze. At the same ...

The Apartheid Turns

Predictions are risky for a columnist. And I’m already on thin ice, having been soundly humiliated by my November 2020 column “Madison Cawthorn: He’ll Never Rub His Balls in Another Man’s Face.” Boy, is my face red (though not as red as the face of Cawthorn’s friend). But one ...

George Soros

The Last Living Holocaust Mass Murderer

At 92 years old, George Soros is the last human experientially connected to the Holocaust who’s still actively taking lives. Sure, there are a few elderly ex-Nazis being dragged before German courts, but they’re insignificant (secretaries, bookkeepers) and their murderous exploits, if any, ...

L.A.’s Brown Bastards

Being blackmailed by my Mexican gardener should’ve made me angry. To my surprise, it kinda didn’t. This week: a good old-fashioned L.A. noir involving plots, plans, and plants. Call it Shrubble Indemnity. Like most Beverly Hills homeowners, I don’t do my own gardening. Sure, I’ve been ...

Washington, D.C.

The Wrath of Con Men

Anger can be constructive; it can motivate people to fight noble battles and right egregious wrongs. Anger can also be nonconstructive. It can distract people from genuine problems while driving them to unproductive extremes. Nonconstructive anger often starts with a fiction. Like how a false ...

Curse of the Ghetto Golems

Golem tales always follow the same template: A Jew builds a monster of clay to destroy his enemies, but in the end the golem turns on its creator. In 2019, in a piece that generated unintended national controversy, I wrote about immigrant golems. This week, I’ll examine the homegrown ...

Los Angeles, CA

Chuck the Chalkboard

A lesson from my casting director years: An actor’s instincts are more important than talent when it comes to landing a part. At an audition, you have to be able to read the room. If the room is loose and jokey, joke along. If you sit there like a cadaver, you won’t get a callback. Conversely, ...

A Pro-Life Poll Up the Ass

You people, I swear. For months I’ve been longing to write my magnum opus about the superb 2021 post-Covid Taiwanese zombie film The Sadness and its impact on Sino-U.S. relations. Sure, that column would be of no interest to you, and sure, it would only be one sentence long (“The superb 2021 ...