The Week’s Most Trending, Offending, and Year-Ending Headlines BLACK SWAN LAKE The ballet dancers weren’t really very good—no better than anybody else would have been, anyway. They were burdened with sashweights and bags of birdshot, and their faces were masked, so that no one, seeing a free ...
The Week’s Most Chiding, Abiding, and Yuletiding Headlines SOMETIMES YOU RAP THE WINDOW, AND SOMETIMES THE WINDOW RAPS YOU “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.” —Maria, The Sound of Music “It’s a trap!” —Admiral Ackbar, Return of the Jedi In British ...
The Week’s Most Stoned, Boned, and Bemoaned Headlines “VEE HAFF VAYS OF MAKING YOU NOT TALK.” Last week saw the 79th anniversary of Pearl Harbor, a.k.a. the day the Japanese favored the world with a strikingly vivid real-life illustration of the phrase “biting off more than you can ...
The Week’s Most Nerdy, Sturdy, and Wordy Headlines HOW DO YOU DO, FELLOW KIDS? He looks like an African F. Murray Abraham. An almost completely bald Muslim immigrant from Gambia with crow’s-feet and liver spots has been passing himself off as a 15-year-old boy in order to get some tasty ...
The Week’s Chunkiest, Clunkiest, and Slam-Dunkiest Headlines WAIT, TRUMP FAILED TO LOCK SOMEONE UP? NO! If there’s a single story that encapsulates the unrealized promise of the Trump administration and the dashed dreams of its supporters, it’s the odd saga of Mexico’s former defense ...
The Week’s Most Colicky, Frolicky, and Bollocky Headlines MS. CREOSOTE DEMANDS A RECOUNT Last week, officials finally finished counting the votes in the Sumter, S.C., mayor’s race. And what a barn burner it was! Sumter has had the same mayor for twenty years—the ancient Joe McElveen, who ...
The Week’s Most Vexing, Perplexing, and Witch-Hexing Headlines OCEANS SO WHITE Apparently, the field of oceanographic research has a diversity problem. If there’s a lack of black folks in oceanography, it’s probably for the same reason that there’s a lack of wicked witches in ...
The Week’s Gaudiest, Bawdiest, and Voter-Fraudiest Headlines BUD-BUD-BUD-BIDEN The bitter stench of Joe Biden’s duplicitous campaign is well-seasoned with curry. Turns out while every leftist media hack and his retarded cousin were harping on the tired and largely baseless “Russian bots help ...
The Week’s Most Blazing, Crazing, and Hair-Raising Headlines “WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID?” Some people are really slow to take a hint. After a thousand years of pogroms, forced expulsions, and a Holocaust, the Jews of Europe are finally packing up and moving on. According to a recently ...
The Week’s Most Thunderous, Plunderous, and Blunderous Headlines RAPPER KARENS HIMSELF In Mexico, it’s quite common for members of the drug cartels to either sing songs about their crimes, or commission professional musicians to write and record songs about their crimes. Those ditties, called ...
