Michelle Obama

Source: Wikimedia Commons

#OscarsSoWhite
Who runs Hollywood? According to Twitter, white people do. Even though black actors receive Academy Awards in numbers slightly higher than their quotient of the population, this did not impede black activists”€”who, as a rule, actively insist on being black during all of their activities”€”from screaming about racial injustice and lynchings and slavery and police brutality merely because no black actors were nominated last year. As partial penance, the “white” people who run Hollywood allowed the organ grinder’s assistant of a comedian named Chris Rock to host the Oscars this year and make it one ceaseless carnival of white-bashing in the name of anti-racism.

#BoycottClippers
Octogenarian Hebraic billionaire and NBA basketball team owner Donald Sterling became America’s most hated man in 2014 when his mixed-race mistress released audio snippets of him begging her to quit bringing black guys to home games of his LA Clippers. Taken in context, his comments are more those of a cuckold than a bigot”€”he tells her it’s OK to sleep with black guys, just don’t embarrass him by showing up in public with giant grinning Mandingo studs when you’re pretending to be his mistress, OK? One even feels a smidge of pity for the sclerotic sports mogul. Even though a subsequent tape release showed his double-crossing mistress V. Stiviano making far more damning comments about blacks than Sterling did, he was forced to sell his team and must now hide from black people for the rest of his life.

#ICantBreathe
Like Ferguson, MO’s Michael Brown, Staten Island’s Eric Garner became a posthumous celebrity after he died at the hands of police. As with Brown, Garner wouldn’t have died if he hadn’t aggressively resisted arrest. Garner had a rap sheet of over thirty arrests and was free on bail that fateful day when he tussled with police who tried to handcuff him for illegally selling loose cigarettes on the street.

During the altercation while police attempted a chokehold on his massively blubbery frame”€”Garner was said to be incapable of walking more than a block without having to stop and catch his breath”€”he reportedly told police “I can’t breathe” eleven times.

It seems that if one couldn’t truly breathe, one wouldn’t be able to say “I can’t breathe” eleven times. Ya feel me?

The legend spread that Garner was choked to death. He instead died of cardiac arrest in an ambulance headed for the hospital. He may not have died if he hadn’t been placed in the chokehold. But if he wasn’t morbidly obese and didn’t have preexisting heart conditions…and, again, if he hadn’t resisted arrest…he’d still be alive today.

Still, the untold legions of Twitter warlords who adopted the #ICantBreathe hashtag in Garner’s honor had at least one thing in common with him”€”they were all breathing when they said it and are thus all liars.

#RefugeesWelcome
Because our golden-skinned leader Barack Hussein Obama loves America, the White House launched the hashtag #RefugeesWelcome last November on its Facebook page in the wake of the Paris terror attacks that killed at least 130 people. According to an official White House statement:

Even as we intensify our efforts in coordination with our partners to take out ISIL, we cannot turn our backs on those most threatened by the terrorist group.

In other words, “Merely because 130 people just got murdered in Paris by Islamic migrants, let’s keep ourselves safe by inviting more Islamic migrants into our country.” Sounds like a plan!

#CancelColbert
For years, satirist Stephen Colbert portrayed an American “conservative” pundit character as a charmless and clueless goofball. Therefore, when the clueless conservative goofball’s official Twitter account tweeted thusly…

I am willing to show #Asian community I care by introducing the Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever

…one would assume that he was actually making fun of the “racist” white guy rather than Asians, no?

No.

In March 27, 2014, an Asian dingbat named Suey Park started a #CancelColbert campaign on Twitter and received a brief burst of publicity before becoming distracted by a bird flying past her window in the middle of an interview.

An alleged writer, Park doesn’t seem too keen on this whole “whiteness” thing:

I always paint my white characters to be singular, to be ignorant….I don”€™t want them on our side….This is not reform, this is revolution….Whiteness will always be the enemy.

Within two weeks of #CancelColbert being launched, Stephen Colbert announced he was leaving The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. That’s because he was making a career upgrade by replacing David Letterman on The Late Show.

#ShoutYourStatus
Our woman-loathing patriarchal culture shames modern females in many ways”€”by insulting their vaginas, by implying that their vaginas smell bad, by lying and saying that sometimes women can be irrationally emotional (especially during their monthly cycle!), by saying that women who wantonly get drunk and sleep with every guy they can dig their claws into are sluts, by trying to make girls feel bad if they eat too many doughnuts and wind up 100 pounds overweight, and especially if they are riddled with sexually transmitted diseases like a 90-year-old hooker in Rotterdam.

But since this is April, and as everyone knows, April is STD Awareness Month, in comes the hashtag #ShoutYourStatus to encourage women with STDs to proudly tell the world things such as “Hey, I have herpes lol” and “I just gave my boyfriend AIDS”€”holla!”

One of the hashtag’s co-creators, a woman with the remarkable name of Britni de la Cretaz, says that having STDs currently can lead to discrimination and thus “should be destigmatized.” She also says she used to be a raging alcoholic in order to “cope with the weight of living in a white supremacist cisheteropatriarchy.” She has genital herpes and is proud as hell about it.

#ShoutYourAbortion
The chronological and spiritual and comedic precursor to #ShoutYourStatus, this hashtag was conceived by the perpetually hectoring hamplanet Lindy West and two feminist allies.

According to Wikipedia:

An image of [hashtag co-creator] Kimberly Morrison’s unshaved armpit with a tattoo that reads “fuck the patriarchy” was used as the logo for the Shout Your Abortion social media campaign.

The legacy left behind by #ShoutYourAbortion is that it encouraged young females who’d opted to murder their fetuses after spreading open their gummy thighs”€”and thereby permitting a man’s sperm to fertilize their precious, life-giving eggs”€”to announce loudly and proudly to the world that they’d snuffed the small life that had naively and innocently begun sprouting in their stubbornly barren wombs.