November 10, 2011

Brett Ratner

Brett Ratner

Back in the good old days, everyone laughed when Mrs. Jefferson said “nigga, please” and Archie Bunker said England’s “whole society is based on a kind of a fagdom.” We were less uptight thirty-five years ago. What country is this—Iran?

I want to remain fair and balanced, and since I don’t know what it’s like to take a dick in the butt, I contacted every homo in my address book to get their take. It’s a great way to sneak the requisite “some of my best friends are gay” line into this article. I live in New York City, so swinging a cat usually generates about a dozen fairies. The vast majority of them agreed with me. John, a thirty-something clothing retailer originally from the Midwest, said, “I think it’s really fucking gay. I was surprised sites like, whose opinions and humor I usually appreciate, gave a fuck.” Canadian film director Bruce LaBruce said, “I’ve always found GLAAD to be a quasi-Stalinist group of word, image, and thought police. Forcing someone to apologize doesn’t make sense if they don’t mean it. Policing words just makes GLAAD stronger and ultimately makes these words more powerful. They’re turning the ‘F’ word into the ‘N’ word, but ultimately it’s just censorship. These days I feel like I can’t even say the ‘F’ word myself online, and I’m one of the biggest ‘F’s on the planet!” Bruce added that Ratner should be forced to stop directing movies, but only because they suck.

I had to go all the way to Britain to find a homo who stood by Ratner’s “decision.” A forty-something graphic designer named Jason said that the word fag “still stings” and takes him back to his London youth when tolerance was much rarer. “You wouldn’t talk like that at a board meeting,” he said. I pointed out that it wasn’t a board meeting but a late-night Q&A after a comedy movie, but Jason wasn’t having it. He did admit comedy specials are off-limits, though: “Those are clearly in a joke setting and you get what you pay for.” He refused to allow the Q&A to fall within “joke setting” and added, “Fuck him. He got what he deserved.”

So out of the 11 fudge-packers I spoke to, nine disagreed with GLAAD, one agreed, and one made no sense—actor and comedian John Roberts, who said, “It’s totally OK to use the term ‘fag’ but only if you are ‘a gay’ or surrounded by your closest homophobic friends who can take on the angry group of bears that will hold you down and fuck your face after you say it.”

I honestly can’t think of any joke or even publicly spoken thought that should be banned or censored. I certainly can’t think of one that should require a letter of apology or a symbolic resignation. If someone insults you, insult them back. Are you so devoid of wit that you need to run in the other direction and report the person when someone offends you? The bullied have become the bullies. GLAAD’s actions imply gays are these hard-done-by minorities who need protection, but they’re obviously powerful enough to make one of Hollywood’s biggest producers prostate prostrate himself in front of them and beg for his career back. If you’re not “afraid of gay people” or at least recognize you’re going to have to please a hell of a lot of them to make it in Hollywood, you’re not going to make it in Hollywood.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, and there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I’d way rather have a gay son with balls than a straight son who’s a pussy. However, tarring and feathering everyone who uses silly slang in an unimaginative joke and making them write these pathetic mea culpas is more than cringeworthy. It’s downright offensive.



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