August 30, 2013

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The season could begin with a blunt discussion about women in the military. A few soused senior male officers could regale the audience with tales of extramarital sexual dalliances, soldiers sidelined with pregnancies, and the disruption of unit cohesion. And I guarantee that audience drunks will only add to these politically incorrect tales with vivid imagery of petite warriors struggling with their equipment and all the wasted time addressing sexual harassment (and the cost of false allegations for soldiers”€™ careers).

The following week would have several anonymous pie-eyed public teachers “€œtelling it like it is”€ when struggling with poor undisciplined black third-graders who have zero interest in learning. They”€™d also talk about dealing with mothers aggressively complaining why junior-the-genius is being unfairly disrespected. To top it off, invite a few civil-rights activists of the Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson stripe, but only on the condition that they get drunk first. (Millions would pay to see Al Sharpton guzzling Colt 45).

No taboo will survive these “€œdiscussions,”€ and I guarantee sky-high ratings plus millions in advertising revenue. Even true PC believers will come clean after the third 5-to-1 Bombay Martini. But more important than, say, Eric Holder’s vision of a truly honest conversation about race would be widespread opportunities for millions to have this conversation safely just by talking about Drunks Gone Wild episodes. Merely begin the conservation with “€œOf course I”€™m not a racist myself and have always supported civil rights, but did you see last night’s show where a bunch of bombed Chicago cops recounted the daily sexual peccadillos of teenagers in the housing projects? And a slobbering drunk in the audience told about a 10-year-old girl already turning tricks!”€ Such episodes will find their way to YouTube, and many of the panelists will become heroes for their honesty. At a minimum, Drunks Gone Wild will be a great national catharsis.

The world’s future Paula Deens will no longer have to grovel, offer embarrassing apologies, and otherwise seek absolution. It’s far better to say, “€œI was drunk”€”drunk out of my gourd, and you know how people talk when blotto. They say horrible things, and such frankness is uncontrollable, just part of an illness, and should be treated as such. It was the booze talking, not me. And one of these days I promise to seek treatment. In the meantime, let me tell you about the guy on TV who worked at a gay bathhouse….”€

Drunks Gone Wild will give a whole new meaning to the term “€œHappy Hour.”€



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