December 12, 2014

Gabourey Sidibe

Gabourey Sidibe

Source: Shutterstock

But wait, there’s more! After the Hitler incident, Sidibe developed a good relationship with Kimmel’s staff. Later, when he was set to marry head writer Molly McNearney, Sidibe and Molly came up with a plan. McNearney and Kimmel are both Catholics, and Molly told Jimmy the ceremony was very important to her, so there were to be no shenanigans. Jimmy obliged and prepared very cut-and-dried vows with no humor attached. As “€œHere Comes the Bride”€ played on the organ, Sidibe appeared in a wedding gown in Molly’s stead.

Nobody knew this was coming and the little kids in the audience were so confused, they ran out crying. The old-timers were fucking furious, as this enormous black sphere slowly walked up the aisle and stopped next to Kimmel. For what seemed like an eternity, Sidibe stood there in silence, staring at everyone. Jimmy was laughing but nobody else was. Eventually, she broke the silence by saying how Jimmy’s a great guy, etc., and Molly came up and the rest of the ceremony was perfectly normal. Even the old-timers got the joke by the end. Jimmy Kimmel’s pranks regularly “€œbreak the Internet”€ but this is the only time I”€™ve heard of the joke being on him.

About a year later, Sidibe appeared on Arsenio Hall to discuss her new show, American Horror Story: Coven. She was shooting in New Orleans, and when asked what life was like there, she said: “€œThere was always like, a gang of cops arresting trannies.”€

The audience laughed and she added, “€œI don”€™t know what goes on with trannies, but that tranny-on-tranny crime needs to stop!”€ and then, “€œIt is tearing our nation apart!”€

She later apologized for the “€œgaffe”€ but I can forgive her for that. It’s getting damned expensive to be an asshole in America today, so we should be willing to forgive this endangered species the occasional transgression. Overall, this turgid brown balloon is more American than most of the white men I run into on a daily basis. She’s our spirit animal and the more influence she has the better. It appears we chose the wrong African immigrant’s offspring to become president.


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