Benito Mussolini

I hate to think what that poor Fred the Shred is going through.

A world-famous psychiatrist I spoke to, Professor Wulfshlagger of Berne University, explained to me that taking an axe to a man’s knighthood is like chopping off his penis. “The beta amyloid plaques of the brain interconnect with the decision to strip a man of his knighthood as if his manhood was being chopped off,” said the learned prof.

Professor Wulfshlagger was only indiscreet in the name of science. He added that when Robert Mugabe’s knighthood was revoked, the Zimbabwean monster became impotent overnight. He had been flown to Salisbury, or whatever name that once-beautiful city is now called by the clowns that run it, in a special jet sent by a desperate Mugabe.

“There was little I could do for him,” said the professor. “Since 2008, when the British decided to strip him of his knighthood, his sexual drive left him completely and forever. It was as if he had been emasculated with a scalpel—a rare medical phenomenon known as ‘knighttration.’ It’s all in the mind, of course.”

Professor Wulfschlagger told me the reason that Mussolini openly flaunted his womanizing after the war’s outbreak in 1940 was typical of those suffering from knighttration. Mussolini, Mugabe, Ceausescu, Blunt—none of them ever got it up again after losing their knighthood. Once afflicted by that rare disorder, no one ever has sex again.

Hitler, on the other hand, rutted Eva Braun twice before committing suicide. But the Führer was never given a knighthood, not even by the Duke of Windsor. So he had not a worry in the world on the night of April 29, 1945, a night of incredible lust on both their parts. Eva’s cries of ecstasy were drowned out by the unromantic Russkis’ heavy bombing.

The best way to keep a healthy sex life is to never accept an honor from the likes of Labour. But you can accept a peerage anytime. Peerages, like sex, are forever.