July 14, 2014

And who could argue? If gender is only a malleable, elastic, easily reshaped and redefined idea, shouldn”€™t the same concept apply to race? If someone can truly change their gender, why can”€™t they switch races, too?

DNA is an oppressively hierarchal social construct at least as harmful as the delusion that estrogen has anything to do with female behavior. That whole rotten “€œDNA”€ sham was constructed by some old white racist named James Watson. It’s about as reliable as astrology. For example, I share a birthday with Jim Nabors, Anne Frank, and George Bush, Sr., but I don”€™t feel anything in common with them, even though we”€™re all Geminis.

By the same token, here are the results of my DNA test. Even though it says I am overwhelmingly of Northern European extraction, it doesn”€™t mean that I enjoy lutefisk and clogging and scented candles like most Northern Europeans do. Therefore, these tests are highly unscientific.

Since race is merely an idea”€”a pinch of invisible magical dust held lightly between the thumb and forefinger”€”I can close my eyes, wiggle my nose, click my heels, and reconstruct myself as a black man of pure dark-chocolate 100% swampy sub-Saharan ancestry, and I don”€™t care if you like it or not. No, actually, I do care if you like it”€”in other words, I will MAKE you like it. And since none of you will be able to find my black parents, I will also register as an orphan, depending on whether I qualify for government assistance based on that status. I would think that being a poor black orphan would be worth”€”what?”€”at least $500 combined monthly from local agencies and President Obama’s personal stash? I can be whatever I want to be, and you can”€™t stop me, and that’s my right, and I”€™ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court, so don”€™t push me, or I will call you a hater and get you fired from your job.

We live in a new world where technology enables you to be anyone you can afford to be. If I can get my health insurance to cover it, I will gladly keep switching races so long as it helps me work my hustle. I will choose to be whatever race is most socially and financially advantageous for me at any given time. Even if I have to be a Filipino, I suppose I could handle it. Armenian would be really pushing it. But otherwise, I”€™m cool. And no Asian. Or Mexican.

On second thought, I”€™ll just stay white.


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