July 01, 2012

On special occasions, thousands of these specialized security forces will parade with their ceremonial attire of plastic strap-on snouts and pointed ears. Such a sight will leave a lasting and vivid impression on Muslim mothers who will warn their children, “€œWatch out or the piggies will get you!”€ The sight of bright-pink pig wagons swiftly moving in would induce panic in terrorists.

This pig-based strategy may be even more applicable to Israel, which has 26 pig farms. Sending in the IDF to remove illegal ultra-Orthodox settlers is inevitably a public-relations disaster, but all of this can be handled easily with a little pork. The mere threat to spray obstinate settlers with some aerosol pork should do the trick without any force. (In extreme situations, the pork could be mixed with milk.) What pious Jew would want to live in a house that smells of pork? Why build elaborate security fences that only draw rock-throwing demonstrations (and worldwide condemnation), when a ten-foot-wide strip of putrid lard will suffice? What devout Muslim or Jew would risk smelling of lard?

Given the worldwide problems that religious extremists create, possibilities abound. In the case of India’s Hindu extremists, fire hoses could spew beef bouillon while cannons might shoot hamburger shrapnel. But the big market for the foreseeable future will be Muslim governments ever anxious about the next street demonstration escalating into a violent revolution. The very existence of pork-based riot-control material will be a matter of grave national security. One can already anticipate the problems Dubai or Bahrain would face if they are rumored to “€œhave the pig.”€ Would-be rioters will think twice about taking to the streets. When confronted by religious fanatics, leaders can always threaten to “€œunleash Porky Pig.”€ Compared to all the far more brutal alternatives, pork-based weaponry is the most cost-effective and humane.



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