Danny Masterson

Source: BIgstock

The Week’s Most Fazing, Gazing, and High Holy Dazing Headlines

OLD SMELLER
When the Japanese lunatic who bought a lifelike “human dog” costume tells the NY Post that he wants to mate with a female dog and become a movie star, and that’s not the most absurd “dog of the week” story, you know it’s been a freakish week.

One of the most popular genres of YouTube videos is, “dog farts itself awake.”

Cue Singaporean Yakov Smirnoff: “In Singapore, dog farts YOU awake.”

Two New Zealanders traveling on Singapore Airlines paid for coach but found themselves in first gas after being seated next to a flatulent emotional support dog. The wife told The New Zealand Herald that when Gassie started breaking wind, “I thought it was my husband’s phone.”

Okay, what the hell is her husband’s ringtone? John Goodman after a buffet?

According to the couple, they had to endure the “congested bulldog’s” unbearable “noxious emissions” for the entire thirteen-hour flight. Jimmy Stewart used to write poems about his dog named Beau. Sadly for the Kiwis, they were seated next to a dog named Bhopal.

Per the Herald, the wife “said at one point her husband, who was wearing shorts, had his leg smeared with dog slobber.”

Considering the dog’s explosive digestive issues, the husband got off easy that it was just slobber.

The Bow-wowschwitz survivors demanded a refund from Singapore Air, which, in response, offered only vouchers and an air freshener.

In light of the recent viral story involving a Delta flight that had to make an emergency landing after a passenger had “diarrhea up and down the plane” (poor Mr. Mackey), it appears that flyers have traded concerns over exorbitant fees for concerns over exorbitant feces.

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CONSCIENCE?
Last week That ’70s Show actor and Scientologist Danny Masterson was sentenced to thirty years to life for two rapes that occurred in the early 2000s. Unfortunately, the jury didn’t buy Masterson’s defense that he wasn’t raping the women but merely trying to plunge out their thetans.

That strategy worked even worse than the time R. Kelly claimed he was simply trying to extinguish a fire in a little girl’s hair.

Of course, Hollywood scumbags will never let a rape conviction get in the way of their scumbaggery. Fifty of Masterson’s colleagues wrote letters to the judge asking for leniency in sentencing. Among Masterson’s defenders? Former ’70s Show costars Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.

Kutcher, a.k.a. “Keanu Reeves without the likability, fanbase, or humanity,” called Masterson an “intentional human being” (high praise from Kutcher, an unintentional one—his soul was originally destined for a stinkbug), “honest,” and a “role model” who after 9/11 tirelessly helped “firefighters effected by the event” (so, “unintentional firefighters”?).

Kunis, living proof that the only difference between an Eastern European mail-order bride and an Eastern European Hollywood celebrity is the ability to do funny voices, praised Masterson’s “dedication to avoiding all substances.” Except, apparently, the vaginal kind.

Shut up, Meg.

But even Masterson’s defenders couldn’t outdo the cover of a new Turner Classic Movies book when it comes to “tone-deaf Hollywood.” The book, an homage to “cinema’s greatest stunts” titled Danger on the Silver Screen, features a blurb by…John Landis, who wrote that the book “honors the unsung professionals who have given so much to make the movies we love.”

This is the same John Landis who beheaded three actors—two of them children—while effecting (or as Kutcher would say, “affecting”) a dangerous stunt. Yes, Landis knows a lot about those who have “given so much to make the movies we love.” Thanks to him, three actors gave up the ability to wear bow ties.

Shut up, dreg.

MUCH ADO ABOUT A HATE-JEW
Remember Cynthia McKinney? She’s the incoherent ghetto trash who became a congresswoman from Georgia after the 11th District was formed from the alley behind Cephus Odom’s liquor store on Sycamore and Fifth.

McKinney’s tenure was marked by insane rants about Jews and whites. Her career ended in 2006 after she evaded Capitol metal detectors while not wearing her congressional pin. A Capitol policeman asked for ID, and she assaulted him (Tucker Carlson swears McKinney was set up by the feds).

McKinney attempted an unsuccessful damage-control tour, in which she claimed the white cop had failed to recognize her because of her hairstyle.

She blathered “this is much ado about a hairdo” (which in her low-rent drawl sounded like “much ado abouda HAHHHHR-DEWWWW”) on so many news shows, even mainstream organs like CBS mocked her again and again.

Later, after badmouthing Gandhi, McKinney told the AP “this is much ado about a Hindu.”

Then, when accused of stealing honey, McKinney stated “this is much ado about Winnie-the-Pooh.”

And that missing picnic basket? “Much ado about Boo-Boo.”

Finally, after reporters noticed that her hair appeared shellacked, she conceded “this is much ado about Gorilla Glue.”

And now McKinney, supposedly a “PhD” (“Pommes-frites hot, Dammit!”), is back, promoting an anti-Jewish livestream with black radical Ayo Kimathi (author of The Jews Are the Problem) and former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke (whose org used to, you know, murder blacks).

It’s not that odd a pairing; McKinney and Duke are both from the hood.

Great to see she’s forgiven Duke for that lynching thing.

“Much ado about a hang-you.”

HOT NURSE IN HOT WATER
Typical Republicans! All talk, no action. As GOP Senator John Kennedy made headlines by reciting explicit passages from X-rated school library “children’s lit” during a hearing on “banned books,” a Democrat hopeful was making X-rated movies, and folks were hearing…and seeing.

Susanna Gibson may be a nurse practitioner, but if you’ve watched her videos, it’s clear she don’t need no practice; the babe’s a pro!

Gibson, a Democrat swinger, is running for a hotly contested swing seat in Virginia’s House of Delegates. This is one of a handful of seats that will determine if Governor Youngkin wins increased legislative support in the next session.

Gibson’s running on an abortion rights platform, coupled with social justice, health care, and tax cuts.

Oh, and masturbating her husband online for money. That’s part of her platform too.

Turns out Gibson was a megastar on a website called “Chaturbate,” and if you guessed that the name means “masturbating while chatting,” you win (sorry to all those who voted for “masturbating Indian cricketer Chatterjee”). Nurse Suzy performed multiple sex acts on her husband while begging for “tips” (via Bitcoin tokens) from her 5,700 followers.

Funny enough, that violated Chaturbate’s “no tips” policy, and Gibson was banned from the site.

Now that’s a candidate to be reckoned with: “I got banned from a masturbation site for breaking the rules.” Even Anthony Weiner can’t say that.

Gibson’s GOP rival David Owen is taking the high road, solemnly commenting that “it’s a sad incident for all involved” before closing the door to his office, checking to make sure nobody’s outside, and screaming “YIPPA-DIPPA-DEEEEEEEE” while jumping for joy and playing air guitar to Iron Man like Beavis and Butt-head.

Gibson, who’s political future has gone as flaccid as her hubby’s member, is claiming that the exposure of her online pecker-dillos is an “invasion of privacy” and a “sex crime” meant to “silence women.” A response so lame, even The Washington Post was forced to cede that her Chaturbate page was not password-protected, so her sexcapades were fully public, and thus fair game.

As of now, Gibson still has the support of the Virginia Democrat Party, and last week she was joined by Sen. Tim Kaine at a fundraising event.

Unconfirmed rumors claim that Kaine has a page on the site Doormaturbate.com, where a weakling Democrat who got walked all over by his 2016 running mate Hillary Clinton tries to self-pleasure but just ends up weeping.

LITTLE DICKENS
In the good old days, black boys who were small for their age would be cast as TV stars and made to say things like “Whatchoo talkin’ about?”

In a world in which headlines are dominated by student-on-teacher assaults by black middle schoolers (and sometimes even elementary schoolers) who are 6-foot-plus and as muscular as Mr. T, of what use are the runts, the underdeveloped, especially with Michael Jackson dead and Neverland long closed?

Well, you’ve met the “gentle giants.” Here come the brutal midgets.

As if NYC doesn’t have enough problems regarding crime, gangs of tiny black kids have been ripping off Manhattan businesses, sneaking into bars and stealing customers’ belongings and even money from the till (and whenever you see “black” and “till” in the same story, you know it ain’t gonna be good news).

The plague of Wily Websters is being blamed on the fact that Manhattan DA Bragg refuses to prosecute children or punish them in any manner. Indeed, according to news reports, in one case an Emmanuel Lootis warned a Jewish bar owner who attempted to pursue him, “I ain’t goin’ to jail but you is if you touch me.”

Local business owners are thoroughly stymied by the Stymies. No word on if there’s a ringleader, a “Fagin,” but it’s highly likely that if there is, he’s using that word as a verb.

“Man, I be fagin’ all day long.”

Time for a Netflix adaptation of Oliver Twist, 2023 NYC-style. In this version, the Artful Dodger is the Artful Knick, and black Oliver Twist don’t ask for “more please, sir!” He takes what he wants, and if you try to cut off his gruel, he’ll cut off something of yours that you’ll really miss.

D’Olivur Twist, starring the black kid from This Is Us as Twist, and Gabourey Sidibe as London.