September 13, 2013



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I had to kill a prairie warbler the other day. It was dying on the street and I could see gulls nearby waiting to devour it. Formerly known as the crows of the sea, gulls have spent the last thirty years infiltrating the city and eating the crap out of every baby they can find. Gulls eat so many eggs they have brought nighthawks to the verge of extinction. Next time one flies down to peck at your fries, punch it in the face.

I killed the warbler out of mercy, but I didn”€™t feel bad about it. Killing warblers can help save warblers”€™ lives. That’s because these little shits regularly murder their neighbors”€™ babies. The males are even bigger sluts than wrens, which means the females have to compete with half a dozen other mistresses. To make the competing households look less stable, females will break into a nest and peck all the eggs to death. “€œYou don”€™t want to date her,”€ the warbler will sing to her man after killing some bitch’s babies. “€œShe’s crying.”€

Possibly the world’s laziest bird, the female cowbird has never made a nest in her life. Instead, she skulks around good birds such as sparrows and waits for them to build a nest. Then she plops one of her eggs in there and forgets about it. The cowbird baby is way bigger than his stepbrothers and he eventually crowds them out of the nest while his adoptive parents try to figure out why their lives have become a living hell.

Same story with this hideous parasite. She poops out her eggs into someone else’s nest and is never heard from again. The cuckoo egg hatches faster than the eggs that are supposed to be there, so by the time the decent, hardworking, indigenous birds are born, they inevitably get crowded out by illegal aliens. The European Cuckoo is a welfare bird that no nest can afford.

They may look like birds, but inside every starling lurks the soul of a giant millipede with the head of a rabid wolf. Instead of building their own nests, starlings kick other birds out of their nests and then kill the young. Despite their tiny size, they are tenacious bastards and use attrition to defeat their enemy. I”€™ve seen a flicker, probably the biggest woodpecker there is, fight for days to get its nest back as the starling tosses egg after egg onto the ground, cackling sadistically. Starlings were introduced to North America via some douche who thought it would be cool to release every bird Shakespeare ever mentioned into Central Park. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Since then, starlings have taken over the entire continent and are spreading south to the Inferior Americas. You can grant them amnesty or commit to sealing our borders, but starlings are taking over and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Before we assume our ecosystem would be merrier with more birds, we may want to double-check the long-term gains. It took us a lot of work to hone Western culture into the near-perfect system it is today. The West is the best, so why mess with our nest? “If birds can’t even get along, what kind of birdbrain would think that humans can?”



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