February 06, 2015

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It’s fun eating at Le Cirque and the food is delicious. Unfortunately, each serving is exactly one big bite. When you”€™re done, they give your wife a tiny piece of leather furniture with a chocolate in it and it takes a lot of willpower not to stuff the whole contraption in your mouth along with the bill.


Who designed these things, a lesbian? The shirt’s always coming untucked and everything gets all wrinkly if you”€™re not constantly taking it off and hanging it somewhere. If you get one drop of grease on your pants, you might as well throw away the whole thing, and the top button is always too tight. The very, very rich only wear tailored shirts, but even the merely wealthy are being strangled. Next time you”€™re at a wedding or watching a movie or at a funeral, check out how few men have their top button fastened. The couple of guys I see doing it are politicians, and they only buy tailor-made shirts because they”€™re spending someone else’s money.


If you ever watched Ozzy Osbourne’s reality show you”€™ll remember about half of every episode was him trying to figure out the remote. It’s impossible to get our shit to work and even when it does get going, it sounds like crap.

When I was a kid, I had a cheap record player with two big speakers that could take the whole house down. Today we have speakers set in the wall and overhead projectors with surround sound and it’s all useless. Even the über rich people I know are constantly fiddling with outdoor speaker buttons and calling the help for advice. When you finally do get them working, they sound a bit better than someone next to you on the train listening to really loud headphones.

I recently paid $1,700 to have my entire home entertainment system switched to HDMI and hooked up to one of these Harmony remotes all the nerds are talking about. My goal is to get things up to the quality of stereo I had in 1985 by 2016.


I would love to have an affair. I”€™ve seen them on fictional TV shows and they seem very lascivious. However, for maybe a minute or two of pleasure I”€™m looking at a lifetime of worrying about extortion. No women ever hit on me, but if one does, I”€™m going to yell “€œNice try!”€ and then shove her in the bushes and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

This isn”€™t being paranoid. I recently had a guy try to blackmail me in exchange for a picture of a black man putting his dick in my mouth when I was passed out at a party. His first order of business was to get the money and the second was to get ahold of the picture, because he”€™d only heard rumors about it. Nice strategy, pal.


The old-money rich dudes my age tend to be pathetic losers who sleep all day and crash sports cars in Italy. At their best, they”€™re condescending drunks. At their worst, they murder wrestlers.

The vast majority of America’s wealthy, however, built their own, which usually requires a type A personality. This means you are checking your email and taking calls and arguing with people all weekend. It’s a constant grind and the only thing worse is having to go on holiday and not do anything all day, which happens a lot. You can”€™t win.


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