November 14, 2012
Point 3. Unlike the Dems, the newly sensitized GOP should offer those who arrive in the US without the formality of being legally here something more than amnesty. What about free homes and instant citizenship upon arrival? Many of these so-called “illegals” are just too damned busy to request approval before entering the country.
Point 4. It may also be wise if white men were hidden from view whenever Republicans hold a televised meeting. If that’s not doable, there is a fallback plan. Perhaps party bosses should require the group that has to be rendered invisible to cross-dress or paint their faces before being publicly seen.
Point 5. It is frequently heard that the GOP is hurting itself by not embracing candidates who openly favor gay marriage. I would strongly suggest that Republicans get ahead of the curve here. Not only should the party advocate gay unions, it should also come out for group marriage and interspecies unions. Who thought thirty years ago that we would become wise enough to institute gay marriage and in some states to punish people who don”t treat this arrangement with appropriate respect? Let’s now press forward to accepting whole groups of people, perhaps an entire village, tying the knot together. Support for this would underline the GOP’s newly discovered sensitivity. Being able to marry your dog or chimp without encountering social or legal obstacles may be the next step to creating a truly “nice” society. In any case, such a reform would make PETA members less hostile to the GOP. And that’s what counts: making people and four-legged creatures feel good about themselves.
There is no guarantee that implementing my program would increase GOP votes. It may thrust the party into a no-man’s land by rattling its traditional base without bringing voters around to the other side. But the program would produce at least one happy outcome”making guilt-ridden white Christian males feel less anxious about their social acceptability. Don”t worry, Mike Huckabee! We”re getting around to helping you cope.