Source: Bigstock

In this Year of Our Lord 2024, it is now becoming increasingly difficult to tell the real news stories from the fake-news spoofs. I recently saw a story with the headline “Gay Jewish man claims lesbian couple ditched him as a sperm donor because of war in Gaza,” which touched on so many once-unthinkable contemporary identitarian neuroses, it just had to be a parody—didn’t it? No.

For Jay “The Gay” Lazarus, a “married” homosexual hairdresser from Australia, it had long been his dream to donate his sperm to charity, particularly some cause close to his own queer heart. Jay decided to GiftAid his gametes to a lesbian couple who otherwise would be unable to conceive as, contrary to popular belief these days, women don’t have penises. Finding a couple from the appropriately named Aussie region of Queensland, Jay gamely embarked upon a comprehensive exercise regime and strict diet to improve his chances of siring a truly fabulous baby.

Unfortunately, on 7 October, Hamas invaded Israel and perpetrated their reportedly rather King Herod-like pogrom—the most unexpected infant victim of which was the future fetus currently living stored up, ready and raring to go, inside Jay Lazarus’ balls. Although the lesbian females knew perfectly well Jay-Boy was a Jew-Boy before accepting his kind offer of a free seed sample, once they saw some pro-Israeli messages he had posted on social media following the 7 October attacks, they began to have second thoughts about ending up with Zionist zygotes.

Therefore, they dumped their donor’s Semitic sperm by text message, insisting that, although being all “about kindness and love,” as leftie lesbos so often are, they nonetheless lacked “the capacity to navigate parts of your identity in this donor relationship,” so had decided to write off to Ismail Haniyeh, c/o UNRWA, asking him to toss one off into a Thermos Flask and send that off to them via AirMail instead.

Done Over Down Under
And, almost unbelievably, that story is all completely 100 percent true (except the last bit). This, therefore, was completely unlike an earlier 100 percent fake racially tinged April Fool’s story involving Jews and some highly unwanted sperm donations, which hit Australia’s deeply confused media outlets not so very long ago.

On April 1, 2021, an Australian neo-Nazi group chose to announce their latest campaign of hate on social media: “Operation Ashkenazi Strange,” the Ashkenazis being a particular obscure subset of Jewish people whose very name ironically also contained that of their greatest sworn race enemies. What did this particular Strange Operation involve? According to the neo-Nazis themselves:

This coming weekend, we want every honorable White man, National Socialist, Klansman, skinhead, racist, out on the town for Operation Ashkenazi Strange.

The operation is quite simple:

1. Go out clubbing in Jew area
2. Seduce sexy Jewesses
3. Breed out the Jewish race with Alpha Aryan Australian power

Get to it gentlemen! Let’s go!

Hail Hitler!

Despite being an obvious April 1 spoof, which actually went against the key tenets of the Nazis’ 1930s Nuremberg Race Laws, a number of credulous mainstream Australian news outlets and anti-racism charities fell for it, informing the police before spewing out alarmist press releases and headlines like “Australian neo-Nazis call for Aryans to ‘breed out the Jewish race.’”

In their predictable hyper-liberal eagerness to see dangerous white supremacist schemes lurking everywhere in human existence, the media cretins only did the Nazis’ work for them. Firstly, they helped give the group some excellent free publicity, and secondly, they made antiwhite agitators like themselves look like total morons, lending credence to the (frequently quite true) idea that such campaigns of “Nazi-spotting” are often little more than baseless witch hunts.

Looking at the neo-Nazis’ social media posts a little more closely, it should have been obvious to reporters and ADL-type pearl clutchers that the whole thing was only a giant tasteless prank, as one stormtrooper was photographed holding up a big sign saying “TIPS” on it, which included such self-evidently absurd advice to aspirant Jewess-impregnators as “Don’t tell missus (may be considered cheating)” and “[As] Jewish women don’t like our views, don’t talk about Hitler for 3 hours,” a “challenge” that was officially rated as being “HARD.”

One potential “Side Quest,” meanwhile, was to “Seduce Kristina Keneally,” a then-leading left-wing Australian politician with the potential future responsibility for passing legislation against such groups, on the grounds that “She can’t proscribe us if we are breeding her.”

And yet still the Aussie media and anti-racism sectors believed it all. April Fools indeed.

Seminal Theories
Of course, this kind of fake-news prank can go both ways—leftists can very easily invent untrue “It’s Political Correctness GONE MAD!!”-type stories to embarrass and humiliate bait-taking conservatives online too. With this in mind, I wondered if any Marxists had ever concocted any similarly comical sperm-related fake-news stories, just like their Australian neo-Nazi opposite numbers had? The most obvious idea I could think of was a fake Critical Race Theory nonstory about some made-up lefty academic or media pontificator who had at last had the balls to ask the hitherto-unspoken question: “Why Is Cum So White?”

Typing this very query into Google, sadly, just brought up a load of boring technical scientific responses that I neither fully understood nor particularly wanted to. I tried asking the internet if sperm should be more black, too, but Dr. Google just told me that, if it is, you should really seek urgent medical attention.

Of course, I had forgotten to take into account the key fact that all true puritanical left-wingers these days pride themselves upon not having any discernible sense of humor, and so, disappointingly, none of them seem ever to have thought of pulling this particular sick joke after all. Far more alarmingly, however, I found that certain people on today’s left appear to have asked themselves this lunatic question for real, rather than in a spirit of mere April 1 jest.

Busting Your Brazil Nuts
So, why is cum so unacceptably white, then? According to one highly informative/deranged piece on the website of Al Jizzeera—“Brazil’s racialized sperm economy: Why is there a surging demand for Caucasian sperm in Brazil?”—the unacceptable whiteness of all male human spermatozoa, even those of prime examples of muscular black physical excellence like Messrs. T and Motivator, merely reflects the way that “powerful structures of domination are entrenched” throughout our entire racism-filled societies, even up to and including our very testicles.

According to white Brazilian journalist Mariana Prandini Assis, “whiteness is the normative racial identity” in her homeland, which would doubtless have come as news to Pelé, something supposedly reflected in contemporary patterns of “foreign human semen use” in the nation. Apparently, infertile Brazilian couples often considered native semen to be insufficiently Tipp-Ex-colored for their liking, and so all “those who can afford to import semen” from outside the country’s excessively brown-tainted favelas tended to take the chance to do so.

Even worse, in an uncanny echo of the plot of ’70s sci-fi thriller The Boys From Brazil, in which Hitler was cloned in South America by a bunch of mad death-camp doctors, the sperm in question was horribly likely to be distinctly Aryan in its nature, perhaps even sourced from the Jew-hating gonads of Australian neo-Nazi groups who had recently run out of imaginary local Jewesses and leading left-wing female politicians to forcibly impregnate. Shockingly, figures showed that 95 percent of local demand for sperm flown down into Rio from elsewhere was for that drained eugenically out from Caucasian men, 52 percent of whom absolutely had to have blue eyes, otherwise it was all just getting tipped straight down the nearest plughole.

If You Build It, They Will Cum
Possibly, this was just part of a wider Great Replacement-type plot, but in reverse—unlike in today’s U.S. or Europe, white people were being mass-imported into Brazil to replace black and brown ones, yet in a far more cunning and insidious way than simply smuggling bulky, full-grown Mexicans or Haitians over the southern border. Within a specifically Brazilian context, Assis informs us, a special Governmental Decree from 1890 had once deliberately opened the borders to white immigrants from Europe (like her own ancestors, presumably) whilst simultaneously barring any further entrance to those from Africa or Asia. In my view, Washington, London, and Brussels should get hold of a photocopy and immediately reissue the bloody thing.

According to Assis, in only about thirty years following this evil decree’s creation, 2.1 million unwanted white invaders had poured into the country (by comparison, about 7 to 10 million unwanted nonwhite invaders have poured into the U.S. so far under Joe Biden, at least in this estimate…), approximately equivalent to the number of black slaves forcibly shipped into the place by the Portuguese during the preceding 300 years, so she says.

Where once fully grown white frogs were imported Brazil-wards, however, today only nascent white tadpoles were allowed sneaky and unnoticed admittance, bewailed Assis, which does rather raise an idea for another great April Fools’ fake-news story to me. No matter how long Donald Trump’s big, beautiful border wall may be, a satirical prankster could announce, in places it still remains a mere half-built chain-link fence, with gaps you can easily slip things through. Thus, all Pedro or Juan would have to do under these auspicious circumstances is to stand on one side, stroke their fajitas, and spill their beans into the outstretched egg cup of a waiting white race-traitor, armed and ready with a handy pipette or turkey baster, and that would be it—genocide via substitution, and nobody would even know until nine months later when it was all far, far too late.

Staged footage of such acts ostensibly taking place could very easily be obtained just by handing a few highly tanned or facially unwashed tramps $10 and a free tab of Viagra to oblige. To add further layers of plausibility to the tale, the merry prankster could additionally put it about that this was how Justice Sonia Sotomayor herself was conceived back in ’54. Someone could even cook up an AI-generated image of a full cross-border pipeline being laid direct into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s womb, so she could mass-pollute the nation’s once-pure Nordic genes forever by laying an entire thousand-strong brood of future expert leaf-blower operators out of her funnel like some giant Marxist Mexican spider.

These days, the real news stories are so crazy, there’s a fair chance some people out there would even believe it all. Particularly in Australia, I suspect.