April 06, 2013
Sorry, ladies, but if you want to obsess over gluten and carbs and let a doctor slice off your nipples and shove basketballs inside, that’s your hang-up, not ours. We enjoy a vast assortment of breast types. We like droopers and flapjacks and we”re not even mad if there’s barely anything there. The only ones we”re not bananas about are the 100% deflated pizza slices, but even then you can just keep your bra on and we”ll work around it. Got a gap in the front of your teeth? Sounds good to me. We couldn”t care less about your dental plan. That’s why Japanese women and British chicks have no trouble getting laid. Women say, “Men don”t make passes at women in glasses” at the same moment we”re wondering if she”d be willing to keep them on during sex. A wandering eye”or even a glass one”would be considered icing on the cake.
We only have one deal-breaker: women who are balding. I”m not talking about slightly thin hair that could afford to be a little more luxurious. I”m talking about hair so thin, a middle part leaves a half-inch trough that gets sunburned in July. This problem is easy to solve, however. My barber told me the medical procedures they do now are so incredibly convincing, he can”t even tell. This is someone who stares at scalps every day. So the only thing men really have a problem with affects only a teensy fraction of the female population and it’s easy to solve. Nice “problems.” Some “oppression.”
Straight men are a great scapegoat because we rarely complain. Virtually every time you hear about a woman getting breast augmentation or a facelift or liposuction, her husband is saying, “I thought she looked just fine, but if it makes her happy, go nuts.” Go ahead and bleach your anus. Have all the labiaplasty you want. Just don”t blame us when normal-looking women feel like freaks. You gals set the standards, not us.