April 06, 2013

Sorry, ladies, but if you want to obsess over gluten and carbs and let a doctor slice off your nipples and shove basketballs inside, that’s your hang-up, not ours. We enjoy a vast assortment of breast types. We like droopers and flapjacks and we”€™re not even mad if there’s barely anything there. The only ones we”€™re not bananas about are the 100% deflated pizza slices, but even then you can just keep your bra on and we”€™ll work around it. Got a gap in the front of your teeth? Sounds good to me. We couldn”€™t care less about your dental plan. That’s why Japanese women and British chicks have no trouble getting laid. Women say, “€œMen don”€™t make passes at women in glasses”€ at the same moment we”€™re wondering if she”€™d be willing to keep them on during sex. A wandering eye”€”or even a glass one”€”would be considered icing on the cake.

We only have one deal-breaker: women who are balding. I”€™m not talking about slightly thin hair that could afford to be a little more luxurious. I”€™m talking about hair so thin, a middle part leaves a half-inch trough that gets sunburned in July. This problem is easy to solve, however. My barber told me the medical procedures they do now are so incredibly convincing, he can”€™t even tell. This is someone who stares at scalps every day. So the only thing men really have a problem with affects only a teensy fraction of the female population and it’s easy to solve. Nice “€œproblems.”€ Some “€œoppression.”€

Straight men are a great scapegoat because we rarely complain. Virtually every time you hear about a woman getting breast augmentation or a facelift or liposuction, her husband is saying, “€œI thought she looked just fine, but if it makes her happy, go nuts.”€ Go ahead and bleach your anus. Have all the labiaplasty you want. Just don”€™t blame us when normal-looking women feel like freaks. You gals set the standards, not us.



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