April 26, 2007
As the fourth anniversary of his 2003 appearance on the U.S.S. Lincoln in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner approaches, President Bush has declared the day, May 1, a national holiday, which he said will henceforth be known as Mission Accomplished Day, or MAD for short.
“On this day,” Bush said in his televised Oval Office proclamation, “Americans in all walks of life can gather together, now and in future generations, to try and figure out what the mission was and what the heck it accomplished. If anybody does, have them call me.”
Wearing the same flight suit he had worn in 2003, though he appeared to have it on backwards, Bush stressed the significance of the new holiday, declaring, “Well, anyway, we”ve accomplished something. We”ve accomplished a new excuse for not showing up for work. And I”m going to appoint a presidential panel headed by Harriet Miers and Michael Brown to see if maybe they can get somebody to remembrance what this day of remembrance is all about. At least then we”ll have a commission accomplished.”
Bush concluded his remarks by saying while the holiday would not apply to American troops on extended duty in Iraq or most other working Americans, he and his many cronies could now look forward to a nice, well-deserved rest. But afterward he revealed that he would not be spending the day at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Due to a lack of planning and poor pre-vacation intelligence, the brush that he had been attempting to clear during his most recent stay there has now taken over the entire ranch except for a small “Green Zone” where a few blades of grass are still growing.
This small but strategically important patch of greenery was supposed to be protected by a voluntary force of neoconservatives wearing pith helmets and brandishing weed whackers. The so-called Chickenhawk Brigade includes current and former administration officials like Dick Cheney, Elliott Abrams, Richard Perle, John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz, and Douglas Feith, plus journalists and commentators Christopher Hitchens, William Kristol, Fred Barnes, Rich Lowry, Jonah Goldberg, David Frum, R. Emmett Tyrrell, Ann Coulter, and Sean Hannity. But after a few minutes on patrol duty, the neocon army dispersed, running for the next flights back to Washington and New York. In a joint statement, they blamed the rout on an unforeseen surge of “other priorities” which struck without warning and took them by surprise. Taking their place are 300 18-year-old kids who were taken into custody while leaving nearby high schools and who quickly volunteered for the deployment after being told that the alternative was to be subjected to a relentless campaign of rumor-mongering and vilification coordinated by Fox News and funded by Halliburton and AIPAC.
With his Crawford ranch no longer considered secure, Bush said that he was anticipating a leisurely holiday in the woods “doing a little quail hunting with the vice president.” But a White House spokesman quickly clarified the remark, saying that the president would instead “spend the holiday pretending to report to the National Guard in Alabama, as once again that looks like the safest option.”
Eric Kenning is the pen name of a writer in New York. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.