October 16, 2017

Why should Californians vote to secede? According to Yes, California:

The best reasons are because you love California and want her to excel and be all that she can be; because you know California is more than just a state and can do more good in the world as a country; and because you support the right to self-determination and self-government. But we also understand that California’s electoral votes have not changed the outcome of an election since 1876, so our votes don’t matter. We voted against Trump and we got stuck with Trump. This campaign believes Californians deserve to always have a president we voted for, never one we just got stuck with.

Good. Can’t disagree with a word. So go. Leave. Do it. Get the hell out. Take your tanning salons and Apple Stores and your plastic-surgery casualties and your naked pregnant underwater yoga classes and build your new feudalistic utopia consisting of a thin crust of tech elites who nobly protect their huddled masses of about 900 million Mexican gardeners.

There’s already a red star on your flag. Just remove the bear, and you’re set.

Let the new People’s Republic of California be a sanctuary for ALL the world’s refugees, for all of the poor and disenfranchised who are just lookin’ for a better life. Let it be a safe space for all of the HIV+ swingers who wish to infect unsuspecting partners without being stigmatized by homophobic bigots.

Let us all discard the idea that the American Empire could ever last, and let us all go our own ways in a gentle, peaceful, bloodless divorce. We’re incompatible. We will never get along. Let’s be adults about it. Another Civil War could be a huge pain in the ass, or at least a major bummer.

If they really want to leave the United States, I’d have no problem giving them a hearty shove.


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