David Cameron and Boris Johnson

Once upon a time at a famous school in La-La Land, Cammy Cam and Boris Bunter were sitting under an oak tree plaiting yellow ribbons and scoffing buns.

“€œPenny for your thoughts, fatty,”€ said Cam.
“€œJolly good buns,”€ said Boris.
“€œNo, I mean proper thoughts like Mao had.”€
“€œIf you must know, I was thinking about a tart.”€
“€œHaven”€™t you had enough?”€ said Cam, shocked at his friend’s greed.
“€œI can never get enough!”€ Boris smirked, “€œparticularly when they”€™re someone else’s. What’s this you”€™re swotting up?”€ he asked, picking up the book Cam had been reading.
Cam pursed his lips and tried to look intelligent.
“€œIt’s called Utopia.“€
“€œIs it about Japs?”€ asked Boris.
“€œNo,”€ said Cam.
“€œYaboo, swiz,”€ moaned Boris, “€œI like books about Japs.”€
“€œLet me explain,”€ Cam said excitedly. “€œYou see this tree we are sitting under?”€
“€œPretty hard to miss it,”€ mumbled Boris.
“€œJust think how super it would be if one could sell off all the forests in the land and give civil society groups a chance to buy them.”€
“€œThat seems a bit silly,”€ said Boris dismissively. “€œThey can buy trees whenever they want.”€
“€œNot trees that we already collectively own.”€
“€œWho do you mean by “€˜we”€™?”€ asked Boris.

Cam looked despairingly at his fat friend. He was so out of touch with the people’s needs.

“€œI mean you and me and the rest of our pals and everyone else in the country. We will all be in it together.”€

From over by the river Ozzie was approaching. He looked cynical and glum.

“€œWhat’s up, Ozzie?”€ cried Boris. “€œLost more money at the races? I suppose you backed Deripaska again? Come and listen to Cam’s new idea. What are you going to call it, by the way?”€
“€œSomething really grand and important,”€ said Cam. “€œMaybe “€˜Jolly Good Society.”€™”€
“€œWill there be any gingerbread men in it?”€ asked Boris. “€œI love gingerbread men; they”€™re yummy!”€
“€œNo, there won”€™t, they”€™re staying in Ulster,”€ said Cam.
“€œOh, boo-hoo,”€ wailed Boris.
“€œWhat about “€˜Big Society”€™?”€ asked Ozzie. “€œSounds better than “€˜Jolly Good”€™?”€
“€œEureka!”€ shouted Cam. “€œThat’s a really cool name!”€
“€œSo what’s this Big Society going to do?”€ asked Ozzie. “€œOh look, Nobby Clarke’s appeared”€”can he be one of the gang?”€

“€œ”€˜Cam has invented a fab new game called Big Society and he is just explaining the rules,”€™ said Boris.”€

“€œI thought you were confined to your room,”€ said Boris.
“€œUsed my Get Out of Jail Free,”€ said Nobby. “€œNot that you need one; you can come and go as you please these days.”€
“€œCam has invented a fab new game called Big Society and he is just explaining the rules,”€ said Boris.
Cam said that the idea was to put more power and opportunity into people’s hands.
“€œWhat people?”€ Ozzie sneered.
“€œI mean the citizens, communities, and local government.”€
“€œA bit Liberté, Fraternité, and “€˜Let them eat cake,”€™ isn”€™t it?”€ asked Nobby.
“€œPompous old windbag,”€ Ozzie muttered.
“€œDid I hear the word “€˜cake”€™?”€ asked Boris. “€œGoody goody!”€

Cam was on a roll.

“€œWe will give communities the right to take over local state-run services, we will train a new generation of community organizers, we will support the creation of neighborhood groups, and we will never surrender.”€

A crowd was gathering.

“€œWe will encourage people to volunteer. We will support the creation and expansion of mutuals, cooperatives, charities, and social enterprises. We will give public-sector workers a new right to form employee-owned cooperatives, and we will abolish Regional Spatial Strategies.”€
“€œWhat are they?”€ cried a voice.
“€œI don”€™t know, but we”€™ll abolish them,”€ said Cam.
“€œThat’s Marxism!”€ someone shouted from the crowd.
“€œBollocks”€”that’s Thatcherism!”€ cried another.
“€œAll the same thing,”€ muttered Ozzie.
“€œWhat about the Church? Where do they stand?”€ called an altar boy.
“€œWhat Church?”€ grunted Boris.
“€œGood point,”€ said Cam.

Around them things were getting out of hand as more and more people flocked to join the mob.


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