October 05, 2012

Romney was so sharp and presidential and commanding and on-point that even Obama’s fiercest supporters pooped their diapers and were forced to admit that their choco-messiah had clay feet.

Van Jones, the Ming the Merciless of contemporary black American communists, conceded that “Romney was able to “€˜out-Obama”€™ Obama. On the connection piece, on the authenticity piece, on the being able to tell the story.”

“What was Romney doing?” MSNBC’s Chris “The Tingler” Matthews asked, looking as if he’d been robbed by a dozen Colombian hookers. Then, offering to answer his own question, Matthews said, “He was winning.” Matthews desperately opined that the only way for Obama to win the next debate was for him to emulate the insane lesbians, obese blowhards, and smirking champagne socialists that people his cable network.

Bill Maher, who is rumored to be slightly over one meter tall and dropped a solid mil of his own money to support an Obama Super PAC, Tweeted that “Obama made a lot of great points tonight. Unfortunately, most of them were for Romney.”

Andrew Sullivan, who is married even though his partner has a penis, live-blogged his despair as the Obama legend officially crumbled before America’s eyes:

Romney is kicking the president’s ass….This is a rolling calamity for Obama. He’s boring, abstract, and less human-seeming than Romney!…Romney is dominating Lehrer. And the debate. Just in pure alpha male terms….Obama looked tired, even bored….He may even have lost the election tonight.

Manatee-sized documentarian Michael Moore, who lives in an area so secluded that the village’s only black person runs a shoeshine stand on Main Street, went into as many conniptions as his enlarged heart could handle, re-Tweeting someone else’s comment that “If Romney keeps this up…Obama is going to vote for him!” Moore ultimately blamed Obama’s drubbing on the fact that he’d prepared for the debates by sparring with the cadaverous John Kerry.

Even Nicholas Kristof, Obama’s professional fluffer at The New York Times, lamented that our mulatto commander-in-chief appeared to be “constipated.”

In every US presidential election since 1788, the constipated-looking one has lost. This is surely an ominous sign for Obama.

When you run a campaign entirely on charm but then somehow lose your charm as if it was an iPhone you accidentally left at a swingers’ club, you’re in trouble.

Seriously, this was the most fun we’ve had since Rocky Balboa beat Apollo Creed.



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