Dear Too Poor to Reproduce in Romania,
No! It sounds like you would be aborting for your sake and not the child’s. Your main complaints are not about money for school, clothes, diapers, or doctor bills, but rather about how it is going to make your life harder. The reality is that children are expensive and it is far from easy. It is the hardest job in the world. It is 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, but the benefits are priceless.
Try to think up lifestyle changes that may make it easier for you. If this means moving to a different city to be closer to family or begging your mother to move in with you for 18 months, so be it. If you have to ask friends and family for a loan so you can hire a nanny so you don’t end up going crazy and locking your child in the closet and turning them into a multiple-personality psycho killer before they are four just so you can get some “alone time,” so be it. I don’t know why banks have not yet thought of offering families a nanny loan; it would be a serious moneymaker. Ask friends and family for hand-me-down cribs, equipment, and clothes; anything you can think of. It may not be as fun and cute, but the baby will never be the wiser; they are surprisingly accommodating when it comes to which onesie they are wearing!
If you feel yourself reaching the edge, take a weekend alone or with your husband—whichever is more relaxing—and get away! Go on a “babymoon,” as the Americans call it. It does take a village, so start asking for help and give yourself and your unborn child a chance.
My now ex-husband cheated on me—not one or two one-night stands, either. We are talking a full-fledged, I-am-in-love-with-the-whore relationship, and I am leaving you and the kids to be with her! I even gave him a chance at the time to redeem himself but he would not have it, so we divorced. Now almost two years later, he has been dumped by the whore and is saying he wants to come back. To make it worse, he is going around telling people I am the one tearing the family apart because I will not take him back. What?!!? He keeps calling, texting, emailing, etc. What can I do to make it all stop? I can’t stop communicating because I have to share the children with the ass, but he is disrupting what is now my—and only my—life!
—Ass of an Ex in Estonia
Dear Ass of an Ex in Estonia,
I am glad you are not asking about whether or not you should give him a second chance, because very clearly you should not! He is obviously without dignity or honor; otherwise, he would not be going around playing the victim and trying to make you the bad guy, when it was he who not only made the mistake but took the decision to leave. How downright despicable.
You need to cut out as much communication as possible. Ask a friend, the nanny, or a relative to be your go-between for organizing when and where to pick up and drop off the children, as well as giving special instructions for things such as new allergies or medicines. For any renegotiation of custody terms, no matter how trivial they may seem, go through the lawyers. The more you break contact, the faster he is going to come to terms with the situation he created. Even if the law may not recognize fault in divorce, any human with a heart and a conscience should. What happened to the idea of acceptable behavior in this world? Is no one to be held accountable anymore? He wanted distance and now he has it. Let him revel in its vastness.