November 19, 2010

As Lord Acton told us back in 1887, “€œPower tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”€ We have empowered bureaucratic boobs with our safety, and they”€™re using this power to make us so mad we”€™re not going to take it anymore. This week, John Tyner became an Internet sensation after recording himself getting in big trouble for saying, “€œDon”€™t touch my junk“€ to a TSA agent. Then a hysterical three-year-old had her whole body checked for weapons. Then the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network got involved. Things have gotten so out of hand we now have American soldiers carrying rifles and pistols being asked to relinquish their nail clippers. THEY”€™RE CARRYING RIFLES! Pilots are staying home because they prefer unemployment to the humiliation of showing officials their penis. PILOTS DON”€™T HAVE TO HIJACK PLANES! THEY”€™RE DRIVING THEM!

As Anne Coulter pointed out, we need to stop following the terrorists”€™ last move. They”€™ve already tried smuggling explosives up their ass. Are anal-cavity searches next? The Fourth Amendment prohibits “€œunreasonable searches and seizures”€ by federal agents, but political correctness has put us in league with the humorless Brits who recently prosecuted a white nerd for sending an inappropriate Tweet to his girlfriend. Look at this guy!

If flying is ever to become bearable, we need to get the TSA out of the building. Then we have to hire intelligent and qualified people who realize that toddlers and 100-year-old Asian women in wheelchairs are not trying to blow us up.

Discrimination lawsuits are a valid concern, but sophisticated staff can keep such things under their hat. If a reporter asks whether you”€™re now racially profiling Muslims, don”€™t tell. CAIR can”€™t prove shit if nobody writes it down. If I were training post-TSA airport security, I would tell them we do not condone racial profiling as a picture of the 9/11 hijackers appeared on a screen behind me. Then I”€™d wink. Nobody ever won a court case based on a faulty eyelid.

The “€œMean People Suck”€ community is determined to ignore all this evidence in the name of tolerance, however suicidal it may be. They accept the cost of war and all the increased government interest in our genitalia. They talk about freaks such as “€œJihad Jamie“€ and say even one white software engineer flying his private plane into an IRS building completely negates the merits of racial profiling. Well, how about we retain the odd random check but still institute racial profiling on the sly? Sure, we”€™ll occasionally pat down the guy from ZZ Top and look into Eddie Izzard’s stilettos, but if you”€™re wearing a burqa or your last name sounds Arabic, bet your bottom riyal that a college graduate is going to look deep in your eyes and ask you a lot of probing questions. (Thank God a motion to exempt certain religions from searches was shot down.)

As this problem escalates, Americans are showing up to airports in “€œskimpy gym shorts and tank tops“€ and publishing lists describing how to sabotage the TSA. They”€™ve even named the day before Thanksgiving National Opt-Out Day, encouraging passengers to refuse the nudie scanners and go for the “€œenhanced pat down.”€ This is inspiring and makes me happy to have immigrated here, but it’s a Band-Aid solution. The only way we”€™re ever going to get our freedom back is to tell the government to get out of our underpants, then stop pretending the vast majority of the bad guys don”€™t fit the description. They do.


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