November 19, 2010

Two months after the second WTC tower collapsed, George W. Bush started the Transportation Security Administration. A month later, some British douchebag who called himself “€œAbdel Rahim”€ but was born Richard Reid tried to blow up his heel. Now we all have to get down on our hands and knees and put our shoes in a TSA bucket before we board a flight. How infuriating. Rahim wasn”€™t even successful, but he has indelibly stained all our lives, forever. Every time I pull off my shoes at the airport I think of his pursed lips and hideous Jewfro, and I want to stab him. I feel the same way every time I walk by the hellhole that is Ground Zero. Some inbred retards kicked us in the nuts, and we”€™re still doubled over.

The only thing more ineffectual than Al-Qaeda is the government. The fact that their feud has become the centerpiece our lives is like having the Keystone Kops chase meth heads through your living room. The airports didn”€™t have to allow the government to take over security. They could simply continue to harbor the airlines”€™ massive incentive to have safe flights and then bill the Feds. Minneapolis is considering it. Unfortunately, there are still people who think the government knows what they”€™re doing and for now at least, we”€™re stuck with their insidious “€œhelp.”€

“€œThe only thing more ineffectual than Al-Qaeda is the government. The fact that their feud has become the centerpiece our lives is like having the Keystone Kops chase meth heads through your living room.”

The wars”€™ cost recently hit a million million, but the only way extremist Islam can get to us is at the border or on a plane. Racial profiling at these spots is free, but it makes many Americans recoil in horror. Look at how people reacted when Arizona dared to enforce basic immigration laws. Even the president was mad. Huh? Israel’s been racially profiling since before Jews were a race and they haven”€™t had an incident in decades. Ben-Gurion Airport doesn”€™t X-ray people into nudity or look under their tits. They use intelligent staff to ask provocative questions and turn up the heat if the answers sound suspicious. My brother is one of the only weirdoes to ever visit Israel for fun. When they saw his thin blond hair, button nose, and Scottish last name, they racially profiled him, and he sat in a back room for three hours trying to explain why he was the only white man ever to take the Israel Ministry of Tourism up on their offer. The same techniques were used on a white woman named Anne-Marie Murphy back in 1986. “€œWhat’s a white, Irish Catholic doing coming to Israel by herself?”€ they asked. She explained her Jordanian fiancé had sent her and yes, he packed her suitcase. Bags searched. Semtex located. Jordanian jailed.

Whites are racially profiled all the time. When the CIA hears a mass murderer has a dozen dead kids under the floorboards, they picture Mickey Rooney in a trucker hat, not some swarthy Arab in a turban. Israel happily admits profiling is not ideal but that it works. There are no atheists in foxholes, and there shouldn”€™t be any egalitarians in exploding planes.

Despite the fear of being branded for life as racial profilers, there are other reasons Americans prefer spending a million million and taking off their clothing rather than noticing Arabs. First, they couldn”€™t handle the litigation. CAIR would pounce on any dictum that erred on the side of checking Muslims, and any private company who tried it would have their ass sued to smithereens. Second, we staff our airports with derelicts. For some bizarre reason, Canada prides itself on using Sikhs to handle airport security. These hillbillies of the Punjab have been practicing first-cousin marriage for so long, they may as well be Muslims. America’s even worse. I was at JFK a few years ago, and after giving exact change for my inflatable pillow I noticed the East Indian clerk stuffing my ten-dollar bill into her front pocket. I realize she was just working at the store and not handling weapons per se, but she’s still airport staff and wasn”€™t worried about the law. Israel’s airport staffers are young, have studied their profession in college, and are eager to be there. American airports are staffed with ESL dropouts and future Popeye’s employees who work hard riffing with each other about who’s going home first. Now that civil servants have taken over the job, the bar has been lowered even further. At least the previous employees were easy to fire.


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