December 22, 2010

Dear Delphi,

When I picked my four-year-old up from school the other day, I witnessed a nasty, grumpy granny smacking, insulting, and threatening her grandchild, who’s my son’s classmate. Should I say something?

“€”Mad Mommy in Milan

Dear Mad Mommy in Milan,

Had it been a complete stranger on the street treating their child or grandchild worse than people treat a stray dog, you could say whatever you want. Even then, be careful and make sure you are in a well-lit and populated area, because if this person hits their child, they will have no problem hitting you. It’s odd how if people on the street saw someone smacking and insulting you”€”a grown woman”€”they would probably intervene without thinking twice.

Since this child is in your kid’s class, I suggest doing nothing. You don”€™t want to cross the parents. They could be in the Mafia and put a hit out on you or kidnap your kid for ransom. Even in a best-case scenario, the mothers will unite and revolt against your judgmental, nosy self, ensuring that your child never gets invited anywhere ever again.

For a village to raise a child you need a village of adults, not a village of idiots. An adult who hits, insults, and threatens a child is stupid, and stupid people are the most dangerous kind.


Dear Delphi,

I am a 40-year-old man with two children. My wife actually told me she is leaving me because I do not have or make enough money. She says she still loves me but can”€™t stay. What can I do?

“€”Not Enough Cash in Corpus Christi

Dear Not Enough Cash in Corpus Christi,

It seems straightforward enough: She is a money-grubbing bitch and you simply do not have enough money. The only way to solve the problem is to make more money.

You could start studying to become a surgeon; however, this is a very long-term plan that will make you much poorer in the short term. You could steal the money. Make sure you plan well, steal enough, and don”€™t get caught, or you will end up paying child support from your prison chain-gang wages. You could try an Internet marketing scheme from home in your spare time and make $40,000 a month; however, I am not so sure those schemes actually work. You could buy lottery tickets every day and wait for the blessed money to fall in your lap”€”not very likely.

Or without any worry or stress you could decide you are lucky the bloodsucking parasite is looking for newer, richer prey to clean out and send to an early grave. If you did not have children I would suggest you get fired from your job, declare bankruptcy, and ask her for alimony.


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