April 13, 2012

I walked into a bar yesterday and my neighbor was in tears. Her marriage is over and her husband is leaving her. “€œIt just wasn”€™t working,”€ she told me while melting in her chair. “€œSo?”€ I responded. This couple has a one-year-old child. HE’s ONE! Who has time to worry about their marriage when they”€™re getting five hours of sleep a night and constantly washing diaper shit off their hands? What’s the matter? Was the sex not steamy enough? Breaking up a marriage when you have an infant son is like turning to your fellow Marine during a firefight and saying, “€œI don”€™t want to be friends with you anymore.”€ Too bad! Tough tea bags, d-bag.

I”€™m never speaking to that guy again because he’s not a real human being, but it got me to thinking. How can women avoid choosing the wrong man? If you start dating a loser in your late twenties and he dumps you at 32, that’s it. You”€™re done. He just threw your ovaries in the garbage. If you managed to make a baby during that mistake, that’s even worse.

Here are ten ways to make sure you”€™re not shacking up with a zero:

In my neighbor’s case, she should have been suspicious that her husband has no friends and never has. This is because he’s simply not right in the head. All you need to sustain a friendship are a couple of inside jokes and a six-pack of beer. If he can”€™t handle that, he can”€™t handle a serious relationship.

“€œHow can women avoid choosing the wrong man?”€

If he hangs around cheaters, infidelity obviously doesn”€™t bother him. A stand-up guy will want to hang around other stand-up guys because he doesn”€™t want to be lecturing them all the time about what’s right. You want to surround yourself with peers who are at the same stages in their life, and screwing around is for kids. As my friend Tommy says, “€œI can”€™t hang out with guys my age who don”€™t have kids. It’s like, “€˜Get your shit together.”€™”€

He shouldn”€™t be all buddy-buddy with them. That’s gay. But he should have a somewhat civil relationship with his exes and talk to them for about 30 seconds if he sees them on the street. If they all hate him, he’s a liar. Also, mistresses: If you met him via infidelity, you are going to lose him to infidelity.

This is the most important one by far, but it’s very difficult to suss out. Here’s a test: If there is a situation at work where a coworker of his is wrongly accused of something and he avoids the whole situation, dump his ass. The kind of guy who is happy to throw an innocent man under a bus is the kind of guy who will dump you for getting breast cancer.


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