July 24, 2015
I”m not sure if my predilection for MILFs came naturally or if it was learned over time. I came of age in the “70s and “80s and back then, only pedophiles liked young girls. All our pinups were old. When Raquel Welch appeared on The Muppet Show, I started having feelings I”d never felt before. We all did and we talked about her on the swings at school. She was 38. Pretty much every man of my generation has Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease burned into his boner. She was 30 in that movie. Bailey was over 30 when WKRP was on. Loni Anderson was in her late 30s. Mary Ann wasn”t quite 30 on Gilligan’s Island, but Ginger was 33. Mr. Kotter’s wife was 31 when the show ended. Chrissy Amphlett was 10 years older than me when the Divinyls released “I Touch Myself,” but I almost had a heart attack looking at her thigh-high socks. Nobody paid attention to young girls when I was a young man. It was considered creepy. If one of them wore a Catholic school uniform on Halloween, we”d barf. There may be some disgusting perverts in the world, but in America, “MILF” tops the list of porn searches. Sure, there’s some extra meat around the waist and a little more junk in the trunk. What tepid eunuch can”t handle that? Real men are into women, not girls. No wonder blacks and Hispanics are trampling our masculinity like we”re a bunch of bitch-ass maricÃ³ns. We can barely handle a fat ass. You can keep your perky tits. I want breasts with a bit of hang to them. I”m not talking about National Geographic saggy, but if you can hold five pencils under your left one, I”ll write you a love letter. It’s like my friend Trevor once said: “I dated a chick with droopers when I was 19 and I really wasn”t into it”but I sure wouldn”t mind messing with them right now!” He looms in for the second part with a leering grin on his face. This is something young men will never understand. As Steve Coogan points out in The Trip, the spectrum of what you find attractive widens greatly as you get older.
Twentysomethings are stupid. I don”t even think they should vote. They certainly can”t drive. When women are in their 30s, it’s clear they understand the world and can be a slut at night as well as a buddy in the day. In their 40s, with three kids, it’s an honor just to grab your wife’s ass”and she lets you…and she likes it! We have to tolerate young girls because we need them to breed. Outside of that, they”re pretty much worthless until they get some laugh lines and a couple crow’s-feet. When I look back at my first year of marriage, I am horrified by what a couple of amateurs we were. Today, I can”t believe how fortunate I am to basically have Tia Carrere sleeping in my bed (wearing lingerie if I”m lucky). I know you single guys hear us complain at barbecues, but that’s because talking about how much you love your soul mate is gay. When us happily married guys get together, we won”t shut up. You should hear Tucker Carlson talk about his wife. The guy’s obsessed. So hang in there, millennials. As the gays like to say, “It gets better.”