September 11, 2008

Finally, someone has worked up the courage to say it. We’ve all been thinking it. It’s the soothing mantra we repeat while sitting in drive-time traffic, a petition we send up to the God of Battles with each breath like the Jesus Prayer, an invitation we whisper across the pillow as a prologue to a long night of lovin’.


Kill more Canadians. Kill. More. Canadians.


Gasping as we all do beneath the gilded, leaden tarp of smarmy PC nice-nice, we needed an outright Canadian to say it. It helped that he was a prominent doctor. Too bad he has a name that suggests a pock-cheeked, slippery-fingered sex therapist with a mail-order Psy.D. from Grenada: Dr. Andre Lalonde. (Dr. Lalonde wants you to show him what you wish you could do with your husband. Dr. La-la-la-londe knows all your n-n-needs….)


Now it’s true that Dr. Lalonde wants to start small. Very small. But you’ve got to start somewhere, and anyway “small is beautiful.” Think globally, act locally. Each one, reach one. Although he’s quite an exalted man—he serves as executive vice-president of the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada—Dr. Lalonde is far too modest to reach beyond his specialty. With tools he finds in reach, with hands to work and eyes to god, he’s ready to start the cull.


On September 9, Dr. Lalonde told the Toronto Globe and Mail that he wished to begin resolving the Canada Problem modestly, even maternally. In fact, all that he asked for was autonomy—that for once U.S. politicians stop interfering with Canada’s internal affairs. Addressing reporters, he said that his organization was deeply disturbed by the actions of a U.S. political leader, which could blight this year’s baby Canadian season. Referring to Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, he warned that “her decision to keep her baby, knowing he would be born with [Down’s Syndrome], may inadvertently influence other women who may lack the necessary emotional and financial support to do the same….The worry is that this will have an implication for abortion issues in Canada,” he said.


Anti-culling activists were prompt to report the story. According to the Web-based Lifesite, Lalonde said that “popular messages about women like Palin…could have detrimental effects on women and their families.” He went on to worry that “the country’s medical professionals don’t emphasize the burden of Down’s syndrome to pregnant women,” and that “giving women balanced information about the potential consequences of either decision does not mean they are being encouraged to abort their pregnancies.”


Well, we know he needs to be tactful. One mustn’t frighten the moose. The process of gradually clearing out the blank space on the map which lies to our North—I’ve always called it The Annex—should be accomplished in classic Canadian style: with deference, almost with diffidence. There is no call for broken windows or blood on the ice. As we gain for our overcrowded nation a measure of much-craved living space, we owe it to the brooding, bleating herds of lumbering Canucks to ensure that their last days are spent in peace and comfort. We’re not a cruel people. We just can’t abide their presence any longer.


For over 200 years they have just… sat there. Like a deeply dysthymic blind date who stares down into her cooling vichyssoise, they were waiting for us to start the conversation. To entertain them. To fill the cultural, cognitive void they created by showing up. Did we invite them? What are they doing up there? Can you think of a single thing that has happened in Canada in the course of the past 20 years? Neither can they. (Entire newspapers are printed in Windsor and Halifax containing nothing but blank pages and ads for American films.) That’s why they mostly huddle south, close to the border—eavesdropping at our door. It’s all so… unsavory—like having a Mongoloid child as a neighbor


It really is too much to take. In fact, there are thousands of square miles we really can take—and transform those barren plains into speedway tracks where NASCAR races can extend across a continent.


We can fill those dim, dismal forests no one is using into Winter Wonderlands—with Christmas lights and ornaments, and little decorative candles that smell like fruitcake.


We can seize those vacant gothic churches dotting Quebec and fill them up with clergymen we’d rather isolate from Americans: the pedophiles, the polygamists, the snake-handlers, Christian Zionists, closeted queens with M.A.s in Jungian analysis, and tremulous alchie monsignors who’ve racked up one too many dead pedestrians.


Since same-sex marriage is already legal up there, let’s take the towns we’ve cleansed and hand them over to nice young couples who’ll keep them clean—maybe plant some wildflowers in the windowboxes, open fondue bistros and fake fur showrooms. From fatuous to fabulous, with one swell foop.


With all that extra space, we can undertake architectural wonders that seemed previously unfeasible; I for one have always dreamt of finally building Albert Speer’s Berlin in the Northwest Territories…entirely out of ice. We’ll show Dr. Lalonde our thanks for his collaboration by letting him manage the conscript labor.


I know it seems a small thing—convincing a few Canadian couples to intercept and eliminate their incipient idiots. But every journey—even relocation to the East—begins with a single step. (Remember what St. Francis of Assisi said he would do, if he knew the world would end tomorrow. “I would kill a Canadian. A retard Canadian.”)


We can start with their flawed and foolish children, then move down the list of undesirable Canadians, deleting, in turn:


· Men with hairy backs wearing pinky rings.


· Waitresses whose dangling upper arms smack you in the face as they serve you breakfast.


· Gym-toned metrosexuals employed by international human rights NGOs or multicultural enforcement arms of provincial governments.


· Fat chicks.


· Agnostic Anglican women bishops wearing poly-blend kente vestments.


· Bald guys with little pig eyes and teeth that are way too close together.


· Wide-load immigrant women with government jobs who walk very slowly in front of you on narrow Quebec City sidewalks.


· Feminist curling hooligans.


· Accordion players who refuse to return to Ukraine.


· Hack doctors well-paid by the broken down socialist system to goad parents into snuffing out their handicapped kids in the womb.


Hmm…. I think that accounts for everyone.


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