September 14, 2012

You see, Scientology doesn”€™t merely audit your present life and take the stress out of all your bad memories. It goes back in time and cleans up the messes from previous lives. Where’s the Vanity Fair article on that? What if Lisa McPherson was a mass murderer in her previous life? That’s not a stain you can get out with an extra scoop of Tide. You need niacin, calcium, and magnesium mixed with several tablespoons of olive oil and of course, tons of sweating.

We came here as thetans 75 million years ago. That adds up to a lot of bad memories. Instead of focusing on the one or two people who lost their life’s savings and are now wandering blindly through life without a clue how to take care of themselves, let’s take a moment to look at all the incredible good the Affinity, Reality, and Communication triangle can do when it’s combined with the Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control triangle.

Counting all the way back to when Earth was called Teegeeack, Scientology’s total membership is in the trillions and I bet the vast majority of them have had their lives enriched. If anyone actually took the time to talk to real Scientologists, they”€™d hear stories of an “€œentire training universe go boof, and it all became aligned.”€ Go talk to one. You”€™ll meet people who “€œdidn”€™t even know that there was something there that I didn”€™t know, and now I can see it, and it’s, like, “€˜Wow.”€™”€ They “€œhave, like, a full library, you know, full of knowledge,”€ and “€œlike, an encyclopedic concept,”€ and now they”€™re “€œlike, floating, it’s just like, “€˜Whoa! What happened here?”€™”€

Why is everyone attacking a belief system that is so liked? When L. Ron Hubbard submitted his techniques to the Journal of the American Medical Association and the American Journal of Psychiatry in 1949, they were rejected. Coincidentally, he became very anti-psychiatry after that and set out on a nautical voyage that seeks to improve not just the whole living world, but every dead person who has ever been here.

Three generations ago, I was a farm girl living in the South of France and when my dad’s friend squeezed one of my tits, I probably felt nothing but shame. What’s so bad about a religion that helps me first recognize this event and then purify the shame it caused? What’s the matter with working through that suffering and trying to become one of the 50,000 people out there who have achieved perfect clarity?

Tom Cruise is 100% clear. He is an operating thetan that even Ebner admits can “€œcreate life; he can create universes; he has cause over matter energy, space, and time; and he is free of the bonds of the physical”€”functioning totally on the spiritual.”€ I have seen Cruise jump off buildings while shooting a gun and flip cars over his head. South Park conveniently left all that out of their Cruise smear “€œTrapped in the Closet.”€ Scientology is accused of digging up the skeletons in people’s closets, but that’s exactly what Trey Parker and Matt Stone did when they focused on the possibility that Cruise might be gay. They totally glossed over the part where he’s literally magic.

This is supposed to be a free country, and allowing people to practice their religion is what made this country the great country that it is, at least as far as great free countries go. We are meant to be a tolerant people who recognize the strength of diversity, and that includes a diversity of beliefs. Anyone who disagrees with this should go to jail and any journalist who says otherwise deserves to be harassed into extinction. Blessed are the thetans, and Xenu be damned.

Image of Theos courtesy of Shutterstock


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