July 15, 2011

It’s amazing what a man will do for love. To please my girlfriend, I recently found myself at a private, clothing-optional gay club in New Orleans. Lounging beside a pool where long dongs swing freely and helmet-heads casually wag by is somewhat alienating, but it seemed unwise to skip out on my girlfriend’s graduation party. I mean, it’s not like she asked me to attend a Nation of Islam prayer service or a Pentecostal revival. Now that would be awkward.

The funny thing is, even after I took a dip in the gayest hot tub this side of the Castro, my LGBT-loving acquaintances still accused me of being “homophobic” because I feel out of place in the gay scene. Apparently, I didn’t soak long enough to wash this scarlet “H” off of my forehead. How can I be cured?

Liberals generally define homophobia as a social disease. As if in anticipation of New York’s recent legalization of gay marriage, the epidemic’s symptoms have surfaced in numerous headlines this summer. June’s most conspicuous fag-bashing was by black comedian Tracy Morgan, who joked to his Nashville audience that gay kids should stand up to bullies instead of whining. He went on to say that if his hypothetical gay son ever came home talking like a sissy, Morgan would “stab that little nigga to death.” It remains unclear how hard the audience laughed at this. However, we do know that one queer man in the crowd went straight directly to the media, who subsequently lynched Tracy Morgan and strung him up on the Rainbow Rope.

“Getting eye-raped feels nasty on an animal level.”

“If they can take a fucking dick up their ass,” Morgan had quipped during his routine, “they can take a fucking joke.”

Apparently not. Tracy’s strangled apologies have made headlines ever since.

The gooey snowball kept rolling when black artists Chris Brown and Cee Lo Green were lambasted for Tweets in which they ribbed their detractors by calling them “gay.” Their obligatory “What-I-meant-to-say-is-I-love-all-gay-people!” apologies immediately followed.

Late in June an unnamed Southwest Airlines pilot accidentally switched on his cockpit mic before complaining about the paucity of attractive female flight attendants in his life:

Eleven out of twelve—there’s twelve flight attendants…eleven fucking over-the-top fucking ass homosexuals and a granny. Eleven! I mean, think of the odds of that!…After that, it was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandees….

The suspended pilot was quickly reinstated after a round of heartfelt apologies and his completion of a “diversity training” course. The disproportionate number of gay flight attendants at Southwest has yet to be addressed.

What causes “homophobes” to feel this primal revulsion toward gay men? Why would country singer Blake Shelton be compelled to tickle his Twitter fans with…

Re-writing my fav Shania Twain song.. Any man that tries Touching my behind he’s gonna be a beaten, bleedin’, heaving kind of guy…


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