July 13, 2011
Dear Cuckold in Catalina,
There is no reason to make peace if you don’t want to. If they had cared about your feelings, A) your brother would not have done it in the first place; B) he would not have continued with the relationship when he saw how upset you were; and C) your mother should have very clearly taken your side and iced your brother out at least for a while. It is unacceptable behavior sprinkled with self-indulgence, and there should be punishment for bad behavior. So no, don’t talk to them until you feel like it. A dieting woman who chooses to stuff her face with a punchbowl full of ice cream and then piles on a half-ton of gooey, sugar-coated toppings will pay the price of a wider butt and big belly filled to the brim with self-loathing and frustration; so should your brother and mother have to face the consequences of their despicable behavior. Ignore them until it pains them. Make them feel bad until they burst. Yielding to temptation is no excuse when it comes to family.
TOSSING OUT USED TARTS
My husband and I are in the divorce process. I found out he was cheating on me because one—understand, only ONE—of his many girlfriends called me to bitch about the fact that he was cheating on her with yet another woman. Hard to believe, isn’t it? I am still in shock; it was as if she wanted sympathy from me and some coping suggestions. I hate my husband, but more importantly I never want to have to talk to one of his dumb tarts on the phone ever again; what can I do?
—Pushy Tarts in Tallahassee
Dear Pushy Tarts in Tallahassee,
Screen your calls using as many creative and innovative techniques as possible. My first suggestion is to stop answering the phone altogether if you think chances are high you are going to get a tart call. If you can’t help answering, try to hone your voice-recognition skills. Get good at faking static, dropping out every other word to fake a bad connection, or simply hanging up as fast as possible. If the tarts only have your home phone, tell everyone to only call your cell phone or text you before they call your home phone. If you are feeling brave, vindictive, and are ready to play some offense, then answer the phone, click on the RECORD button, and get them to tell you everything. Make sure you attempt this on an empty stomach so you don’t make too much of a mess—or when you’re drunk enough that you will not remember what they said—and pass the tape onto your divorce lawyer. Then take all those losers—your husband and his tray of used tarts—and toss them in the garbage.