October 30, 2012

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Some of my best friends are “€œbirthers.”€ So far I”€™ve resisted the temptation to sign up with them, although I loved that bit about the signature on that Hawaiian “€œCertificate of Live Birth”€ possibly reading “€œU. K. L. Lee.”€ (Get it? “€œUkulele”€?)

I wasted a brief long-ago interval mired in JFK buffdom and must manfully resist the temptation to tumble back through the looking glass. That rarefied region is an ever-so-cozy womb that’s saturated with thalidomide. The conspiracy theory “€œcommunity”€ is so seductive in part because it provides the illusion that one is engaged in vital, high-risk “€œwork”€ when you”€™re only mentally masturbating within a “€œsafe room”€ while hiding from “€œauthorities”€ who wouldn”€™t give a crap about you even if they knew you existed.

Yes, it matters who killed President Kennedy. (Psst: The commie did it.) The assassination of America’s commander in chief doesn”€™t stop being a historical event just because some goofball autodidactic basement dwellers also think it is.

“€œYou”€™d think folks would pay a premium NOT to have “€˜Trump”€™ stamped on everything from condos to cologne.”€

Same with Obama’s citizenship. The Founding Fathers wanted Americans to care about where the president was born. The Constitution is admirably clear in Article Two, Section 1. Conveniently, a commonplace document was invented long ago to provide this exact information: a birth certificate.

Alas, one of those Americans concerned about Obama’s citizenship is Donald Trump, which is about as helpful and reassuring as Ed Gein running for the cure.

Trump began openly asking questions about Obama’s citizenship in April, 2011, joining the chorus demanding that the president show the world his long-form Certificate of Live Birth.

Incredibly, the White House then released the document. Was it authentic? What did it say? All I remember is Trump trumpeting his victory, which reinforced his image as A Powerful Man Who Gets Things Done. But so did Obama when NBC interrupted The Celebrity Apprentice to announce that Osama bin Laden had been killed.

Last week, Trump challenged Obama to unseal even more “€œsecret”€ documents. Sophisticates on all sides feigned disgust, but much as I hate to say it, Trump is the busted Rolex again here. Everyone would love to peek at the president’s college records. But since “€œthe Donald”€ is the one doing the asking, that makes it uncool.


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