January 15, 2016

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie

Source: Shutterstock

Rocky is up to VI now. It’s called Creed and the hero is black. The update for the running-up-the-steps scene is the black Rocky running through the streets of Philly as black kids in quads and on dirt bikes ride past him in slow motion. The movie is really good, so if you don”€™t want to let the liberal agenda ruin it for you, you need to focus on the part where the scene culminates with Sylvester Stallone opening his window and everyone cheering. “€œSee?”€ you tell yourself. “€œThey”€™re respecting Rocky for putting Philadelphia on the map and also admiring the incredible contribution he made to the sport overall. He’s humbly refusing the accolades because we”€™re humble like that. They”€™re recognizing history.”€

It works for Mad Max, too. Sure, Max himself is in the background and it’s all about Charlize Theron, but look at the precious cargo they”€™re carrying: pregnant women. Charlize’s character is as childless as she is miserable. The pregnant women in this movie are depicted as the future of the world. In that sense, it’s a pro-life movie that venerates moms”€”stay-at-home moms, no less. All right, I like it now. Let’s grab some popcorn.

Sometimes you”€™re forced to go to extreme measures to get past the moral of the story. Scorsese created Gangs of New York to show us that we”€™ve always had a problem with immigrants and we”€™ve always been wrong. The way Trump talks about the Mexicans today is the same way Bill the Butcher talked about the Irish back in the 1850s. What Marty doesn”€™t get is that they”€™re both right. The Irish were a complete mess when they came here and they turned New York into a hellhole. The Mexican experience is very similar, especially when you”€™re able to gather real statistics about the number of rapes that occur during border crossings and the giant surges in crime. Anyway, the protagonist in this 2002 film is Leonardo DiCaprio, who wouldn”€™t be watchable by straight men for many years to follow, but all you have to do to turn the movie into a masterpiece is make Leo the enemy and Bill the good guy. Now it’s a great movie! When Leo whips a knife at Bill’s back you think, “€œThat’s the best you can do, you pussy? He killed your father!”€ Then the butcher catches the knife in midair and we all cheer.

Of course, this trick doesn”€™t always work. The Martian is a well-done movie about a tenacious genius who gets stranded on Mars. He defies the odds by using his incredible brain, but (spoiler alert) at the end he’s still a few hundred yards too far away from the rescue ship. This is, of course, when his female captain tells everyone to stand back as she leaps out of the spacecraft and plucks him out of outer space in a balls-out move that would have killed any other man. It’s a SJW ending to a movie that features an African maverick who insists NASA return to pick the guy up and an eccentric black mathematician (note the header in that link has been changed from “€œadorably”€ to “€œcharmingly”€) who figures out a way to do it. Nobody’s saying these things don”€™t exist, but we”€™ve seen pictures of NASA and we know instinctively that nerds tend to be white or Asian males. I”€™ve been to Google headquarters many times, which we can assume has similar demographics, and outside of the security guards at the front and the cafeteria workers, I did not see one single black person anywhere. 

My powers weren”€™t strong enough to battle the affirmative-action casting in The Martian, and I fear they will also fail to make The Big Short bearable. Judging from the trailer, it’s all about how some greedy banks and evil capitalists ruined the economy by finding a loophole in the mortgage bundling debacle. There is no mention of the impetus for this crisis, namely, politicians assuming blacks and Hispanics who own homes are more likely to vote for them and using this assumption to make it way too easy for both groups to own homes. The film depicts a stripper who owns six homes and has no way to pay them off. She’s white with blond hair, of course.


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