June 04, 2015

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Rolling Stone has had a tough time lately. 

First, the collapse of the UVA rape story destroyed any semblance of credibility the magazine once enjoyed. Subsequently, Rolling Stone is being sued by the school’s associate dean, Nicole Eramo, on the grounds that the magazine made “€œfalse and defamatory statements”€ about her reaction to the alleged “€œrape.”€

Second, convicted terrorist Dzhokhar “€œJahar”€ Tsarnaev was sentenced to death for his role in the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing”€”which killed three people (Krystle Campbell, Martin Richard, and Lu Lingzi)”€”in spite of the fact that the dreamy-eyed jihadist appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone. Perhaps this illustrates Rolling Stone‘s descent into cultural irrelevance”€”a tragic, bitter irony for a magazine that once dominated the American cultural landscape to such an extent that Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show sang about the “€œthrill that”€™ll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone.”€

As pathetic as the situation now seems for the magazine, America loves a second act. Rolling Stone could yet emerge from the waste bin of pop culture. 
Americans like a little provocation with their entertainment. And nothing provokes quite like that peculiar combination of competition and nihilism. Any magazine can shock and provoke its readers”€”but it takes a special type of magazine to shock and provoke its readers with sexy jihadists. The magazine’s path to salvation: the Rolling Stone America’s Next Top Dzhokhar Contest.

“€œAny magazine can shock and provoke its readers”€”but it takes a special type of magazine to shock and provoke its readers with sexy jihadists.”€

Yes, four sexy young jihadists will compete to earn the coveted title of Rolling Stone Cover Model, complete with a spot on the cover of a future volume, a sympathetic backstory that somehow impugns America and George W. Bush, and truckloads of swooning liberal apologists. Let’s meet four possible contestants…

Denis Cuspert
Denis “Deso Dogg” Cuspert, a.k.a. Abou Maleeq, a.k.a. Abu Tahla al-Almani, is a German rapper with some sick rhymes and a penchant for petty crime. Prior to his conversion to Islam, the Dogg toured as an opener for DMX and scored a hit with the instant classic “€œWillkommen in meiner Welt,”€ on which he raps about children’s burning souls (or something like that”€”my German isn”€™t very good). Recently, however, al-Almani, as he now calls himself, has traded his lyrical bombs for real ones, fighting for ISIS in Syria and Iraq. He regularly publishes pro-ISIS propaganda in his native German tongue (the language of love) and frequently attends beheadings and mass-execution parties. Best of all, though, he’s an attractive fellow with a confident, if angry, demeanor that will surely make all the girls lose their heads (literally).

Fazal “Fazlullah” Hayat is the Pakistani Taliban’s go-to radio personality when normal anti-Western jihadist propaganda just won”€™t do. Known for his powerful Pashtun broadcasts in support of sharia law, this DJ jihadi gained international attention following the failed assassination attempt on Malala Yousafzai, which he organized. Like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whom Rolling Stone happily published several years ago, Fazlullah is also an anti-vaxxer who violently opposed the WHO’s efforts to vaccinate Pakistani children against polio. (This might give him a leg up, so to speak, because it puts him on par with other celebrity anti-vaxxers.) His unhinged stance against music, dancing, television, razors, and women is naturally offset by his thick, luscious beard and ever-present turban, while his deep brown eyes ooze both sex appeal and religious insanity. As far as potential Cover Models go, this jihadi is a ji-hotty.

Samantha Lewthwaite
As the only woman in the contest, Samantha Lewthwaite stands out as the best example of the triumph of British multiculturalism. But don”€™t let her infectious smile, flawless white skin, and Protestant upbringing fool you: The White Widow, as she’s known, has been linked to the deaths of over 400 people since she converted to Islam. She first gained national attention when her first husband, Germaine Lindsay, blew himself up during the 7/7 bombings. Fleeing Britain shortly thereafter, Lewthwaite eventually wound up in Somalia, where she currently resides with her four children and an entourage of British expats, working alongside al-Shabaab. She helped mastermind the Westgate Mall attack in Nairobi in 2013, as well as the recent slaughter of students at Garissa University in Kenya. As the great Ricky Martin once sang, “€œShe bangs, she bangs,”€ Sha-baabs.

Jihadi John
Once identified as Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary by several news organizations, Jihadi John has since been unmasked as Mohammed Emwazi, a British computer programmer from West London. Sporting his trademark balaclava and furiously waving his knife about as he denounces all things “€œWestern,”€ Emwazi has appeared in numerous Islamic State beheading videos, where his well-scripted monologues have given a voice to young angst-filled mujahideen the world over. He cuts a dark, menacing figure against the sandy background of eastern Syria, but his smooth, confident voice is sure to enrapture his female listeners. One can almost hear him softly whisper to whichever lucky lady snags him, “€œGirl, I love you”€”but if you slander the Prophet Muhammad I will cut your head off faster than you can say “€˜Allahu akbar.”€™”€ A lucky lady indeed.

With contestants like these, Rolling Stone just might make it back to the peak of American culture. A bold affirmation of Rolling Stone‘s media-savvy, mainstream nihilism will surely do wonders for the brand. After all, how else can a once-respected American magazine demonstrate that it is still relevant, “€œcool,”€ and “€œhip”€ than by iconizing the people who have sworn to destroy anything and everything American? There simply cannot be a better way.



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