September 12, 2014

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Some say Scotland has oil and they are sick of giving that to the English. Nobody’s sure what will happen to the oil in the North Sea. Sure, most of it is technically within Scottish borders, but Britain as a country built the infrastructure on the understanding that they”€™d all prosper together. You can”€™t just take it. What’s worse, Scotland holds Britain’s nuclear arsenal. We”€™re supposed to just move those warheads south now? Now?!

As you probably know, on September 18th, Scotland is holding a referendum for independence. I predict they vote 49% yes and 51% no. If you are English and living in Scotland, I”€™d suggest you remain indoors. I was in Montreal when the same thing happened in Quebec, and speaking English on the streets that night was like being a Nazi skinhead in Ferguson.

The referendum will result in an overall no because this is all for show. Deep down, Scotland knows they are Zimbabwe, and kicking out all the white farmers is going to lead to a 50 billion dollar burger (£814,323). It’s true most people would rather fail with sovereignty than prosper under tyranny. I”€™m inclined to agree. Scotland is different, however. They have been steeped in unemployment so long, they”€™ve forgotten how to work. In England, methadone programs have done fairly well getting junkies clean. In Scotland, junkies just become methadone addicts. Though the countryside is breathtaking, Scotland only has two big cities: Glasgow, a drunken welfare line where the descendants of factory workers are looking for a way to blow off steam, and Edinburgh, a junkie-laden tourist attraction with fake jobs provided by England’s banks.

The Scots know this, and that’s why the referendum is such a great compromise. It saves face. Scotland can pretend it fought to leave without actually going. It’s like the petulant teenager who screams “€œI hate it here”€ and slams the door of his room. Besides, it’s only a referendum. Even if Scotland votes 99% in favor of independence, all it means is they want to separate. That’s nice. I want my wife to have big tits. Doesn”€™t mean it’s going to happen any time soon.

I know my family back home is going to think I”€™m a bloody bampot and say my patter’s rotten but we all know it’s true. A truly independent Scotland would likely become an impoverished shithole like the Gorbals where my dad grew up, but it could get much worse. The Gorbals used to be a place where kids went to church to get warm. Today it’s home to the largest mosque in Scotland. Northern Ireland, Wales, and Scotland can bitch about England all they want, but without London there’s no Britain, and without Britain, there’s anarchy”€”at best.


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