February 25, 2023

Swiss Mystery

GSTAAD—They’re whispering that it was the biggest haul since the Brink’s-Mat gold bullion robbery of 1983. Others say that compared with the Graff swag of last week, the Great Train Robbery was a mere bagatelle. Nobody knows nuthin’, and while the fuzz remains schtum, the on-dit is that it was the greatest robbery since the Louisiana Purchase, the trouble being those who say such things think the Louisiana Purchase is a handbag sold by Dior.

One thing I love about the Swiss is the reluctance of the police to give out any information to nosy journalists, thus keeping their own embarrassment to a minimum and the criminals off-balance. When I called the local fuzz and asked about the Graff robbery, the answer was predictable: “What robbery?” I think I recognized the cop’s voice because he and I have a past. He once asked me if I knew what two minutes meant. (A grace period of two minutes is extended before a ticket is issued for illegal parking.) I told him that I could measure two minutes better than him because 120 seconds is a round in amateur boxing. I then shoved my face up to his ugly one and was issued a ticket for 100 Swiss francs for using the f-word in English. How was I supposed to know I was up against a polyglot? As a result, my love for the Swiss fuzz has slightly dimmed.

“Even the robbery has now been politicized by so-called elites who claim Bern should be involved. I say to hell with Bern.”

It gets worse. Back in 1973 Swiss men voted to give Swiss women the vote. The smallest canton in Switzerland, Appenzell, voted against the measure and—horror of horrors—Bern intervened, reversing the result and imposing its will on the freedom-loving male citizens. It was an outrage, and female voters in Appenzell who were not allowed to vote agreed with the men. But Bern insisted that women should have the right to vote, and it’s been downhill (according to male sources in the canton) ever since. Then came the greatest outrage of all: Pressured by successive gangster American administrations, the Swiss spilled the beans, giving up its most precious possession, banking secrecy. It was the equivalent of Italy giving up pasta, or France outlawing cheese, not to mention Greece forbidding olive oil. Banking secrecy made Switzerland rich, famous, and absolutely necessary; not even Hitler dared challenge it. But under constant Yankee pressure—they couldn’t win in Vietnam, Iraq, or Afghanistan—the Swiss caved in and Uncle Sam finally had a great victory. American slob civil servants celebrated by drinking rum and coke on the Treasury’s lawns in Washington, declaring to everyone within earshot that “We showed those Swiss peasants what we’re made of.”

I remember it well. I think it was the last time I openly cried—not for myself, of course, but for all the men and women who had made it honestly or otherwise, and had safely tucked it away in a Swiss bank while giving the finger to the bully Uncle Sam, who is obviously suffering from a mind-altering venereal disease. It was not Switzerland’s finest hour by a long shot. Here is a country that Mussolini picked to work in as a waiter and then a butcher’s assistant, a few years before becoming Duce. This is the same country that at the Yalta conference Uncle Joe Stalin proposed the invasion and occupation—ostensibly to foreclose the German option of using it to stage a final defense. And the nation that Hitler called “a pimple in the face of Europe that cannot be allowed to continue.”

What I’d like to know is how the Swiss can defy nice guys like Hitler and Stalin but give in to hamburger-chewing, Coca-Cola-guzzling American banker-slobs. I suspect it is the result of elitism, a fatal disease that has ruined America (Bezos, Zuckerberg, Soros, and their ilk) and is doing a good job in Britain, too. When a group of elites, Swiss or otherwise, used to discuss the Swiss system of referendums—in other words, direct democracy—it was with nervous contempt that it might spread. The E.U.’s and USA’s elite always refer to “the people” in order to couch their real intention when passing laws that benefit themselves and never “the people.” In good old Helvetia the people actually had a say.

It is no secret that in the West folks are expressing rage at the system’s immobility and the fact that democracy is unresponsive to their concerns and frustrations. Woke and BLM have turned white Americans into a frightened species of drug-addicted apologists, criticized daily by a leftist media that allows no dissenting opinion. I’ll give you two guesses how the Swiss would vote on the question of whether 10-year-olds have the right to decide their gender (as is the case in America). Or the fact that fringe radical groups of transgender activists claim any dissent is invalid.

Well, there’s still direct democracy in Switzerland, but it’s under attack at all times by the left that wants to control our lives. Even the robbery has now been politicized by so-called elites who claim Bern should be involved. I say to hell with Bern; Gstaad and the Saanenland can take care of themselves as long as the fuzz doesn’t take two hours for lunch. Next week I will tell you about two grand dinners and some rather disappointing results after kickboxing in the not-so-rich mode.

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