May 23, 2014

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When we”€™re all sitting around the table saying disgusting things about disgusting whores we”€™d like to do disgusting things to, keep it anonymous. The whole thing is a hyperbolic parody of our darkest desires and it’s used as catharsis. When you tell us that your wife is half Brazilian and she has this perfect ass that juts out right below her lower back, we want to vomit. You just stabbed a LARP dude with a real sword. Keep make-believe in the fiction world, you son of a single mom.


Single mothers give their sons self-esteem problems, but it’s not too little. It’s too much. You should not have directed Iron Man 3. You should not be editing Popular Mechanics. You haven”€™t even worked at a gas station. This problem seems especially prevalent with millennials and black kids, but when the sons of single parents are both of these, they want to sue the world for not making them president of Earth.


I know your mom watches a lot of TV and your sisters are obsessed with The Bachelor, but that’s not real. Being famous just for famous’s sake is for fools. The sons of single moms are single-handedly responsible for graffiti, which is fanatically writing your nickname in bubble letters all over other people’s property in an effort to “€œget up.”€ This is pathetic. If you had a father, he”€™d teach you to be proud of small, private accomplishments like building a fence. There is no beer in the world more delicious than the one you reward yourself with after building something necessary.


If a fellow man asks you to do a shot, you have to do it. If it’s right before a job interview at 10 A.M., you can quietly think, “€œWell, that was shitty of this guy to do,”€ but you still have to do it. In WWII, men sat in foxholes for days ensconced in mud. When one went mad and jumped out screaming, the other guy got shot in the hand dragging him back in. You can do a depressant when you don”€™t want to.

As far as buying rounds goes: This is de rigueur in Canada and Britain where the rules are well established, but living in America for 15 years has changed my mind. If a guy buys you a drink, you have to buy him a drink back, but this is the only country on the planet where you shouldn”€™t accept it as a given that we”€™re all using the round system.


I know your shitty dad makes you think you”€™ll be a shitty dad. It won”€™t. It will make you be a way better dad because you know what it’s like to grow up without one. You will be attentive to your child’s every need. You won”€™t roll your eyes when they want to go fishing or learn how to draw Wolverine, because you”€™ve been on the other end of nothing. Taking your kid fishing will feel like taking the abandoned you fishing 20 years ago. Showing your son how to draw Wolverine will remind you how fascinated you were with everything dude when you were a boy.

The exact same applies to your daughter. After seeing your mother suffer through single motherhood, you”€™ll want your daughter to be able to handle every possible situation there is and be strong enough to make the decisions that will keep her safe and secure her entire adult life. Us children of parents who remained together had great childhoods, and we repeat it for our kids because it’s fun. You”€™re scared straight, which makes you even more determined to do a good job. Try it. You”€™ll like it.

Oh, and if you”€™re too old, adopt. That’s just as good.


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