May 23, 2014
It’s cool to scoff at the nuclear family, but the children of single mothers are fucked (sometimes literally). The daughters are more likely to become wayward sluts and the sons are more likely to wind up in jail. You can”t avoid these wandering demi-orphans, however. In an America where barely half of parents remain married, you can”t shake a dick without coming across the spawn of a single mom. I”m not sure what the daughters should do, besides try to maintain a shred of chastity, but I hang out with the sons every day and if being politically incorrect is noticing patterns, I”ve noticed some patterns. Here are ten things you should watch out for if you”re a dude who was raised by a chick.
1. STOP GROOMING
“¨Women can be cruel, and when they were asked if men should get haircuts every day and “manscape,” they said “Yes” as a joke. Beta males to a woman are as mice to cats and they will bob you back and forth playfully before devouring you whole just because it’s good practice. Don”t listen to all their bullshit about how they want an adolescent crybaby as a boyfriend. They”re lying.
2. PRANKS ARE FUNNY
Cruelty and messing with dudes is the origin of all good humor. The Perry Project is a 20-year prank on an idiot who calls himself “Scary Perry.” If you don”t find that amusing, you”ve grown up around too many women. Purple nurples, wet willies, wedgies, and having someone else use your phone to text your ex that you are “beyond lonely” is hilarious. Stop getting so mad about it. This is what men do.
It’s also important to understand that pranking and daring are a two-way street. If you dare a guy to eat a pregnant wolf spider and he does it, that’s awesome. Unfortunately, you just became a member of the dare club. From now on, if I dare you to eat a spider, you have to do it. See how it goes? Freedom isn”t free and nor are dares.
3. DON”T LIE
The sons of single moms are often great guys but they seem to be low on character. They don”t get that your word is all you have so when you say you”re going to be there, you have to be there. Don”t make commitments you can”t keep. If you know there might be problems, your oral contract should state: “I”m pretty sure it will work out but I can”t guarantee it.” If you guarantee something, you should be willing to die for it.
Although “pranks are funny” and “don”t lie” may seem to contradict each other, a prank is not a lie. A lie is a prank you don”t let anyone else in on. Lying is permanent deception. Pranks are a parody of lies.
Oh, one more thing: If someone pranks you and it takes you ten days to figure out what happened, revenge is not an option. You lost the game and recourse is now off the table.
4. PLAY FIGHTING IS JUST PLAYING
Punching someone because they farted without saying “safety” or wrestling outside a bar as a joke is a joke. Guys who grew up with only sisters or were raised by single moms tend to get real threatened when play fighting comes up. We”re not trying to kill you, buddy. We”re horsing around. Stop breathing through your nose like a bull in heat.
5. SHUT YOUR MOUTH
If you tell your buddy you”d love to eat out his girlfriend’s friend, it’s a hypothetical scenario you are just kidding about. He doesn”t go and tell her that. What happens in the bar stays in the bar. I realize you have been raised in an environment where gossip is a wild brushfire that covers all of Santa Fe. That’s not how it works with men of dads. We are the guys behind the Oddfellows, the Masons, and the Knights of Columbus. We don”t snitch so keep it to yourself.