The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Preening, Queening, and Juneteening Headlines

INSERT BLACK PERSON HERE
An odd theme running through last week’s news involved retroactively inserting black people where they’d not previously been. It’s as if the world has become Return of the Jedi, with white people as the old Darth Vader “Force ghost” and blacks as the Hayden Christensen replacement.

NPR reported on a major controversy surrounding beloved actor Tom Hanks. It turns out, black activists are outraged over the fact that every film in which Tom Hanks has starred has starred a white man. These rocket scientists are furious because movies starring an actor who is white starred a white actor.

NPR “media critic” Eric Deggans, a black fellow who’s won many awards for “diversity” but not a single one for media criticism, has no time to explain how a Tom Hanks-starring movie can not star a white guy. “I love Tom Hanks as a performer, Hollywood citizen and all-around stand-up guy,” Deggans concedes, but his work is “so often focused on the achievements of virtuous white, male Americans.” Deggans argues that Hanks’ historically based films like Saving Private Ryan and Apollo 13 should have starred blacks instead…thus making them not only not Tom Hanks films, but not historically based, either.

“I’m sure there are plenty of Hanks fans out there of every stripe who will say I am expecting too much,” Deggans admits. Actually, there are plenty of people of all stripes who will say that Eric Deggans is a certifiable lunatic.

Still, lunatics thrive in Hollywood, so one mustn’t dismiss Deggans’ demands just because they’re insane. While Hanks will most likely not consent to having his past films digitally altered to insert CGI Chadwick Boseman into his roles, he’s probably open to black-centric reboots of his classics, including “Saving Private Ryan Coogler,” “Apollo Creed 13,” “The Man Who Got Shot for His One Red Shoe,” “Forrest Whitaker Gump,” “Ike Turner and Hooch,” and “Sleepless in Seattle Because Antifa Won’t Stop Rioting.”

At the same time that NPR was inserting black people into historical fiction, Republican supergenius Marjorie Taylor Greene was inserting them into historical fact. After visiting the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in D.C. to atone for having compared wearing masks to the Holocaust (which wasn’t even slightly nutty), Rep. Greene gave a press conference outside the museum’s reflecting pool and frozen banana stand where she expressed her desire to remember not just the Jews but “all the black people” who perished in the Holocaust.

For those who dare suggest that Greene must be a low-IQ schizophrenic to think that blacks were murdered along with Jews in 1942 Europe, well, the historical record shows this patriot to be right. There were millions of blacks in Poland and Belarus at the time, they were just in hiding (like a bunch of “maaaan Franks”). The Nazis successfully captured them by leaving bottles of Gorilla Glue lying around in town squares. Once caught, the blacks were taken to the Auschwitz Main Camp swimming pool where things pretty much took care of themselves.

LEGO MY KILO
Speaking of supergeniuses…

England has given the world so many great thinkers. Sir Isaac Newton, John Stuart Mill, Darwin, Turing, Higgs…the list is endless. But England also gave the world Benny Hill, Pete Sutcliffe, and that faggoty dance by Freddie and the Dreamers that nearly killed the British Invasion.

So it can be a mixed bag, to say the least.

Jack Jones and Isaac Rasmussen were good ol’ Liverpudlian mates from ’er Majesty’s right proper Royal Navy they was they was, and after getting out of the service, the interracial duo (Jones is white, Rasmussen black) decided to use some of the international contacts they made during their tour of duty to start a bloody brilliant drug-smuggling ring.

The pair had pals in the Netherlands just aching to unload dope that had gone unused during 2020’s tourism pause (everyone’s always concerned about the schoolchildren and the mom-and-pop stores, but do we ever give any thought to the lockdown and travel-ban repercussions suffered by drug dealers?). The plan went surprisingly well. The smooth criminals began successfully importing heroin and cocaine from Holland, with the illicit narcotics hidden inside Lego boxes. Wiretaps failed to pick up on the plot, because even Interpol doesn’t recognize Dutch as a real language.

The operation appeared ironclad. Indeed, prior to the first delivery, Jones texted his accomplice, “Bro we be multimillionaires in three months ha ha ha.”

British optimism: It’s what carried the nation through the Blitz, and it’s what keeps them clinging to the hope that somewhere in the world is a non-Brit who doesn’t think Doctor Who is cheesy crap.

And in the case of Jones and Rasmussen, that optimism would’ve been warranted, if not for one fatal error: Rasmussen was under the mistaken impression that his neighborhood was safe for package deliveries.

As a Cockney might say, ’ee bought a raffle ticket, ’ee did ’ee did.

Rasmussen’s neighbor nicked one of the boxes, and, seeing that it was apparently a Lego Duplo play set, gave it to a friend’s child, who opened the box to find eighteen kilos of coke (street value £1.8 million).

Last week Jones and Rasmussen were sentenced to more than a decade each in the ol’ boom and mizzen, while the child who received the Lego box hasn’t slept in a month.

THE BATTLE OF STIRLING VADGE
Staying in the U.K. for a moment, let’s fly over to Scotland, where the rebellious spirit of William Wallace lives on in a young woman named Lisa Keogh. Keogh is a law student at the University of Abertay in Dundee. She’s also a woman. As in, an actual biological woman, not Billy Connolly in a dress.

And that’s pretty much where her problems began. Lisa Keogh didn’t set out to be an insurgent; she merely wanted to be an advocate (lawyer). But unfortunately, colonization in Scotland has gone way beyond matters of land grants to noblemen, homages paid to far-off kings, and serfs forced to wear secondhand tartans that look like Depression-era clown pants. No, these days the colonization is mental, a desire to force independent thought right out of the mind of the average Scot.

“It turns out, black activists are outraged over the fact that every film in which Tom Hanks has starred has starred a white man.”

And Lisa Keogh directly attacked that mental colonization with one simple statement: “women have vaginas.”

Blasphemy!

When several of Keogh’s thoroughly colonized classmates overheard her making that 100% scientifically, biologically, and medically accurate statement, they complained to the university’s Department of Haverin’ Rubbish. And the university opened an investigation into Keogh, because the entire U.K. has gone from defending the right of Stan from Life of Brian to have babies to mandating that nobody dare suggest he can’t.

Funny enough, because the university admins didn’t want to completely betray themselves as weak-minded dipsticks urinating on the historic principles of higher education, they didn’t bring Keogh up on charges of saying “women have vaginas,” but rather of shouting it. The accusation was that she said it too loud, shocking a trannie student who passed out, hitting the floor so hard that when he eventually came to, he temporarily forgot he’d been pretending to be a girl.

Last week, Keogh was cleared of the charges against her. The university’s crack investigators stressed that while her beliefs might still be loony-bird (“girls with vaginas? Cuckoo, cuckoo!”), they could find no proof that she ever shouted the offending phrase like an Auchinleck Talbot Football Club fan screaming, “Eeka, peeka, pukka, po” (which, unlike “women have vaginas,” is a perfectly rational statement).

On reviewing the evidence available, including witness statements, class recordings and chat transcript, the board found no evidence that you had discriminated against another member of the university, the board found that you had not intentionally shouted in class.

Well, that’s a relief! Scotland’s not lost. Except…following Keogh’s exoneration, a Scottish lass in Airdrie was arrested for posting photos of “green, white and purple suffragette ribbons,” because they looked like nooses and American blacks might become emotionally crippled because a woman half a world away in a town they’ve never heard of posted a photo of ribbons that might possibly barely and no-not-ever be mistaken for nooses.

It takes a lot to make Longshanks’ tyranny look good by comparison. Congrats, Scotland.

FREE SPEECH FREE PASS
Last week was also quite an instructive week regarding forbidden words and those who can speak them with impunity.

Two weeks ago the world (or at least that segment of the world that isn’t tuned 24/7 to MSNBC) learned that the genetic detritus known as Hunter Biden was really, really fond of using the “n-word.” Indeed, Hunter was an outright artist with the term. Some artists work in oil-based paints, others in watercolor, still others in acrylic. Hunter prefers to color his canvases in nigga. And yet, for his repeated use of a word that has landed random, anonymous white teens on the front page of The New York Times simply because they mouthed it at a rap concert, Joe Biden’s ant in the afterbirth was not only able to escape cancellation, but coverage.

Sweet trick. How many crack whores do you have to screw to get that gig?

Last week, as if the Teflon son were trying to see just how far he could push his immunity from woke prosecution, additional emails surfaced in which the junior Biden made anti-Asian slurs. Supposedly, that’s the absolute worst thing a white guy can do at present, what with the current plague of anti-Asian street violence that’s caused almost entirely by blacks but somehow still the sole responsibility of whites.

As reported in the New York Post:

In a screenshot posted by the Daily Mail, Caroline—the daughter of President Biden’s brother James—suggests setting Hunter up with one of her friends. “Do you want foreign or domestic,” she asks at one point before adding: “I can’t give you f—ing Asian sorry. I’m not doing it.” The next two messages from Hunter read: “Domesticated foreigner” and “Is fine.” The next message reads: “No yellow.”

They call him mellow no yellow (quite rightly).

Once again, expect yawns from the mainstream press. Another case of “no yellow” journalism.

Meanwhile, as “no dogs or Chinawomen” Biden got his latest free pass, former misogynistic Man Show host/current teary-eyed leftist trash heap Jimmy Kimmel scored yet another one for himself. Having already escaped cancellation for a full-body blackface routine some years ago, last week Mr. Sarah Silverman received another vaccination against accountability after calling Caitlyn Jenner “Trump in a wig” during an on-air tirade against the California gubernatorial candidate. As Jenner correctly pointed out on Twitter, calling trannies “men in wigs” is normally an automatic career death sentence. But in Kimmel’s case, even the most vocal men in wigs declined to express any outrage over the slur.

Between Biden getting off scot-free for a punch bowl full of nig-nog with no Chinese to pee-pee in it, and Kimmel skating after literally painting his face and body to look like the doughiest black man who ever lived while speaking the unspeakable truth about trannies, to Andrew Cuomo emerging unscathed after sexually harassing so many loudmouth NYC broads there’s not enough gabagool on earth to buy their silence, it’s tempting to say that “cancel culture” is over.

And it is. For one end of the political spectrum.

KOREAN WOMEN UNSATISFIED BY 2.7 INCHONS
There was no way this could go wrong. Back in 2015, a group of South Korean feminists formed an organization called Megalia with the purpose of mocking the penis size of Korean men.

What a fine, constructive idea! Literally, that plan had no flaw.

Members of Megalia would publicly berate men with mocking cries of “6.9! 6.9!” That’s the average Korean penis size…in centimeters, of course. In inches, that comes to 2.7 (in possibly related news, Korean men are seeking to outlaw centimeter-to-inch conversions). Megalia chose as its emblem an emoji of a hand making a thumb and index finger pinching gesture as if to say “very, very small…tee hee hee!”

Members of Megalia would mock Korean men online, in pubs, and in the workplace with derisive comments about the 2.7 acres of their tool.

For some odd, baffling, inexplicable reason, Korean men didn’t much care for this, and although the Megalia organization dissolved several years ago due to catty infighting (women are women, the world over), individually, South Korean women have continued to use the “pinching finger” emoji as a means of humiliating the nation’s men, as if calling out dudes for their 2.7-inch donglers is some kind of devastatingly witty Algonquin Round Table bon mot.

The widespread feeling of penile inadequacy among Korean men is probably the reason why, in any given Korean restaurant, the Great Danes are always the first ones in the pot. Male Danes are a living reminder of what the cook can’t bring home to wifey.

Last week, the L.A. Times, in an exclusive report, detailed efforts by South Korea’s long-suffering wee men to end the torment once and for all. In what Times correspondent Victoria Kim describes as a “McCarthyistic reversal of the #MeToo movement,” Korean men are fighting back against the assault on their manhood, waging a “cancel culture” war against businesses and corporations that use the pinching-fingers emoji.

Government legislative aide–turned–media consultant Ha-Heon-gi told the Times that Korean men are merely defending their honor using the tools of social justice, calling the anti-emoji campaign “tit for tat” (or “tit for tidbit,” which is the standard way of describing a Korean sexual exchange).

Oh, those Koreans. Such silliness! Getting all worked up over a simple hand gesture. That kind of thing would never happen in the U.S.!

Next week in The Week That Perished: The ADL pushes for the incarceration of a kindergartner who made the “OK” hand gesture.



Columnists

Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!

SIGN UP

Daily updates with TM’s latest