July 25, 2021
The Week’s Most Peddling, Treadling, and Gold-Medaling Headlines
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAAAAAAAAAAN!
It was the most blessedly brief “mismatched roommates” sitcom in history: a trillionaire book-burner, his ne’er-do-well sponge of a little brother, a Dutch teenager, and an old lady from Texas. And together they blasted off into space…for a few minutes, barely long enough for a good sitcom gag:
Big Bezos: Hey, who took the spare change from my wallet?
Lil’ Bezos: Sorry, bro. I needed some walking-around money.
Big Bezos: But there was 50 million bucks in there!
Lil’ Bezos: It was gonna be a long walk.
Dutch Boy: Boop boop meep meep boom boom eep eep.
Old Lady: Ya damn kid! Quit playin’ yer videa games so loud!
Dutch Boy: Video games? I was speaking Dutch.
The Bezos Far Out Space Nuts reboot went off without a hitch…well, not in the air, at least. On the ground, there was a hitch or two.
CBS News hosted a special guest to witness the “historic” launch: Charles Bolden, a black retired astronaut and NASA administrator who flew on four space-shuttle missions. What a “get” for CBS! Let ABC try to dig up one o’ them Hidden Figures ho’s; CBS had a real live legend on board!
But things went south faster than the Challenger. Following the New Shepard’s successful landing, a beaming Bolden decided to put his own unique spin on why the mission is important for today’s black youth. After CBS cameras caught sight of a young black boy beaming with joy as the capsule returned to earth, Bolden began a rant about how the launch “inspires kids to not sit on a corner and shoot people.” Reporter Gayle King (who’s black) hurriedly interrupted Astronaut Jones, frantically trying to change the subject. But to no avail. Once Bolden got the mic again, he seamlessly picked up his train of thought (news flash: The elderly are stubborn): “People will criticize what I’m about to say, but…the young man sitting there, excited as he was, that’s one less black kid on a corner somewhere getting ready to use a weapon.”
And with that, the entire studio filled with the unpleasant odor of about a hundred people simultaneously soiling their pants.
Fearing that the old coot had just gotten the entire network canceled, King immediately jumped in to save the day: “I don’t want anybody to think or believe that all black kids are just hanging out on a corner. I just really wanted to clean that up because I’m sitting here going, No, Charlie, no! I know what you were trying to say, but I don’t want that left hanging on the air as I’m sitting here listening to it.”
“I said before I said it that people were going to be critical,” Bolden shot back, unbowed and smiling.
Watching King’s pained expression was a joy; a network that (like all the others) pretends that black crime is a myth invites a legendary black man on the show, only to get a harsh lesson in how old black men ain’t got no truck with the PC.
And it must be said, the idea of shooting young gangbangers into space has definite appeal. Rather reminiscent of an old 1970s-era joke from the British comedy duo Morecambe and Wise:
Ernie: [Reading a newspaper] Bad news…the Chinese are on the moon.
Eric: Good news…all of ’em.
MOST DISHONORABLE ORYMPICS
If last week had a theme, it’s that life loves ethnic stereotype humor. Indeed, much of the week seemed like a Don Rickles routine playing out in real time.
Example No. 1: Larry Elder, the black conservative author and radio host, nearly missed his chance to run in the California gubernatorial recall election because some of his paperwork was late. Yes, even rightist blacks go by CPT. California Secretary of State Shirley Weber, an obese 72-year-old black woman who probably holds a few grudges against all the tardy black men who left her hanging throughout the course of her life, tried to penalize Elder for his un-punctuality, but a court overruled her, and Late Larry will be on the ballot after all.
Example No. 2: The Polish government had to recall six members of its Olympic swimming team, because the team should’ve numbered seventeen, but the Poles couldn’t count properly and sent six too many. A genuine tragedy, but not as bad as the Polish sprinter who left his polka albums at home because someone told him he might break a record, or the Polish wrestler who got hit by a car because he was jogging backwards (he was trying to gain weight), or the Polish track-and-field competitor who refused to do the broad jump…he was afraid he might hurt her.
Example No. 3 is certainly the saddest: The Japanese, arguably the most shame-averse people on earth, find themselves in the position of hosting the most shameful Olympics in history. From athletes pledging to openly disrespect their nation should they win a medal, to dudes in dresses getting ready to clobber actual women, to the cardboard beds the athletes have to sleep on (they never should’ve trusted the design of Olympic Village to Gus the back-alley transient), the Games are shaping up to be a most dishonorable mess.
Of course, front and center in that mess is Covid. Almost a hundred athletes, trainers, coaches, and staffers have tested positive. Many of the infected were “fully vaxxed,” and as far as anyone knows, there are no “brave Texas Democrats” hiding in Olympic Village superspreading to residents.
Spectators have been banned from all events, because if there’s one thing sports isn’t about, it’s spectators. Organizers believe it’s only appropriate for the Pandemic Games to look like the opening scenes from 28 Days Later, with athletes in empty stadiums wandering around screaming, “Helloooo! Anyone theeeeeeere?”
Japanese enthusiasm for the Games is at the level of “I’d rather relive Nagasaki.” Toyota, one of the event’s prime sponsors, has declined to run any Olympics-themed ads (the poor bastard who okayed that sponsorship deal is preparing his seppuku sword), and the CEOs of a dozen Japanese corporations skipped the opening ceremonies out of respect for the fans who couldn’t attend.
South Korean diplomats are boycotting the Games after a Japanese diplomat infuriated the delegation with a masturbation joke (which almost certainly included the pinched finger-and-thumb “tiny penis” meme), and the composer of the opening-ceremony music was forced to resign after he admitted that while in school he forced classmates with disabilities to masturbate (again with the masturbation theme?), and he ridiculed the looks of students with Down syndrome (kinda redundant for an Asian).
To top it all off, a heat wave is making this the hottest Olympics on record, and the director of the opening ceremonies was fired for having made a Holocaust joke in 1998.
Tokyo 2021: the first Olympics in history where an appearance from Daniel Lee Young would be a relief.
At this point the NFL is pretty much like, “To hell with it.” It’s the old “If you find yourself in a hole, dig deeper” strategy. The 2020/2021 season was a ratings disaster, as was Super Bowl LV. And while it’s easy to attribute the ratings implosion to an awkward season truncated by Covid, in fact the viewer exodus started pre-Covid when a bunch of black millionaire athletes decided to “take a knee” to protest their modern-day enslavement (are black athletes truly free if they can’t occasionally slap they bitches without cops buttin’ in?).
The really bad news is that the biggest viewer loss last season was in the all-important 18–49 demographic. There’s the irony: “Boomers” aren’t the ones leaving. It’s the TikTokers and video gamers, the morons who are supposed to be all into the woke BS.
To remedy this situation, the NFL is introducing more woke BS. During the upcoming 2021/2022 season, the “black national anthem”—“Lift Every Voice and Sing”—will be played before each game.
It was either that or Cardi B’s “Wet-Ass Pussy,” the preferred choice among players.
The anthem addition is part of the NFL’s new “Inspire Change Initiative,” launched in partnership with rapper Jay-Z, whose “Niggas in Paris” was also considered for the new anthem:
So I ball so hard muthafuckas wanna fine me
But first niggas gotta find me
What’s 50 grand to a muthafucka like me
Can you please remind me?
Got my niggas in Paris
And they goin’ gorillas,
I got that hot bitch in my home
You know how many hot bitches I own?
Now, that’s inspirational!
Another irony about the anthem switch is that “Lift Every Voice and Sing” was written in 1900 in honor of Abraham Lincoln, a “white savior” of the kind whose statues are being pulled down by folks “goin’ gorilla.” Writer-composers James Weldon Johnson and J. Rosamond Johnson wanted the song to be a message of optimism, of how much better things were getting for American blacks.
An odd choice to appeal to a generation of blacks who literally think they’re being genocided every hour of every day.
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us;
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun.
Hardly an anthem for a group of CRT/BLM thugs who believe that America hasn’t improved since slavery.
Funny enough, the Johnson brothers also wrote the popular tune “Dem Bones,” which might make a better NFL anthem, as it offers a guide to the areas of a football player’s body that will be crippled by intense pain as he gets older.
I SCREAM, JEW SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
Of course, it’s not just pampered athletes who engage in social justice posturing. Conservatives do it pretty well too.
Last week, far-left manufacturer of overpriced ice cream Ben & Jerry’s announced that it would no longer do business in the “Israeli occupied” West Bank and East Jerusalem. The company will continue to do business in Israel proper, though. Apparently, keeping ice cream from Palestinians while still selling it in the country whose leaders “oppress” Palestinians is somehow a pro-Palestinian/anti-Israel position.
Wouldn’t pro-socialism Ben & Jerry’s make a stronger statement by continuing to sell its product in Israel while making it free in Palestinian territories? Jews must pay! But the poor oppressed Ay-rabs get guaranteed universal ice cream!
Well, socialism has its limits.
Predictably, Republican politicos and conservative pundits reacted with outrage at this Holocustard, pledging boycotts and even state action against the company. Odd that none of the other positions taken by the outrageously leftist enterprise have prompted such passionate responses. In years past Ben & Jerry’s has supported the BLM riots, police defunding, illegal immigration, tranny rights, and even cop killers. But hey, free speech, man!
But making an anti-Israel statement? This. Means. War!
A month ago, GOP senator James Lankford of Oklahoma tweeted his outrage over Joe Biden’s defense of speech suppression on social media:
Biden thinks free speech is dangerous. Oklahomans don’t need the Biden thought police telling us how to think & feel. We can understand information w/o their help. I’m more concerned w/ DC controlling speech than I am of some people passing wrong information. Let people speak!
Oh, wait…now Israel’s angry? Last week Lankford tweeted this:
#Benandjerrys has now decided they know more about Jerusalem than the Israelis. If Ben & Jerry’s wants to have a meltdown & boycott Israel, OK is ready to respond. Oklahoma has an anti-boycott of Israel law in place. We should immediately block the sale of all #Benandjerrys in the state and in any state-operated facility to align with our law.
And speaking of Jews, little Benny Shapiro (did you know he’s Jewish? He never mentions it) tweeted this back in 2012:
I think the owners of Ben & Jerry’s are awful politically. But they make great ice cream, so I eat there. B/c I’m not a vindictive a-hole.
Alright! Boo, cancel culture! Conservatives don’t boycott!
Until last week when he tweeted, “@benandjerrys Oh well. Guess I won’t be eating any more of your ice cream.”
The neocon version of “America First” always ends with a question mark.
Shapiro has promised to start his own ice cream chain, Yummm Kippur. The bowls will be shaped like yarmulkes (if you don’t want a bowl you can get a cohen), and free ice cream for life for the 6 millionth customer. Oh, and for Palestinians, if they’re displeased with their purchase, absolutely no right of return.
THE BONE RANGER RIDES BLACK BOOTY
Get ready for the urban contemporary version of Equus.
During America’s frontier days, there were many legendary black horsemen. Bose Ikard, Bass Reeves, John Ware, and most of all Nat Love, a.k.a. Deadwood Dick.
Jackson Kelley of Norfolk County, Massachusetts, wanted to be the next Deadwood Dick. In the worst way. Like, the very worst way. Like literally the worst way humanly possible. The 19-year-old black championship high school wrestler loves him some horses. He grew up next to the Turner Hills Equestrian Stables, where he was an avid rider and groomer.
But it was one horse in particular, a mare aptly named Bellissima, that really caught Kelley’s attention. In fact, one might say the young gentleman became smitten.
But not in the wholesome “Roy Rogers and Trigger” way.
Last week Kelley crept into the stables late at night. Familiar with the layout, he unplugged the security cameras…all but one, which he forgot. And you can’t blame him for being careless; he had love on his mind. Approaching Bellissima’s stable, he haltered the animal with a crosstie to secure it, and he put out some feed to keep it occupied.
Kelley then found a step stool, which he placed behind the horse, and, well, suffice to say he gave new meaning to the equestrian term “rearing.”
Hey, at least he bought her dinner first.
A woman who keeps a horse at the stable couldn’t sleep, so she decided to randomly check the security camera feed (which all owners have access to). To put it mildly, her insomnia was not mollified by the Pornhub Premium content she encountered on her screen.
When Roy was done Rogering, he put the mare back in her stable and ran off. Police arrived soon after, having been alerted by the horse owner (who still hasn’t been able to blink since that night). Based on the footage, Kelley was arrested. He faces multiple charges of animal cruelty, sexual intercourse with an animal, and breaking and entering with intent to commit a felony. At his arraignment several days ago, local media described him as “blank and expressionless,” which is probably the default for any young man aware that everyone on his block now knows that he fornicates fillies.
Jackson Kelley, a.k.a. My Friend Fligga, get ready for life as a figurative gelding.