May 20, 2011

Botticelli's Venus

Botticelli's Venus

Fuck snakes”€”I”€™m scared of air travel turning into one giant sleepover. I”€™ve mentioned this before, but pajamas in public make women look like transient sluts who exchange blow jobs for food stamps, and the only thing worse is when men do it. Can”€™t terrorists design a bomb that only kills people who wear pajamas on airplanes?

Women can have tattoos, but there’s a limit”€”namely, the surface area of her fist. That six square inches or whatever it is can be spent on one tattoo or distributed around her arms in the form of, say, three tattoos that are two square inches each. To go past this limit is to morph from eccentric lady with a sassy attitude to an ex-con surfer who was molested as a child and knows how to make a pipe bomb.

Being a fag hag is fun, but so is hanging out at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory if you”€™re a fat ass. Gays indulge your every whim, high-five your sluttiness, and tell your biological clock it can go fuck itself. This is a huge ego boost in a sexist town like New York, but be careful. “€œCougar”€ really means “€œlonely old slut with vanishing options and a barren womb covered in spider webs.”€ If you party in the gay ghetto for too long, you”€™ll discover you were too passed-out to notice the best years of your life have also passed out. Speaking of expiry dates, let’s take a moment to dispel the myth that men are intimidated by empowered or intelligent women. If you”€™re rich and successful but old and unattractive, he’s not leaving because you”€™re rich and successful.

I know it’s below you and you”€™re going to have a career first, but biology is sexist and it says it’s hard after 30, risky at 35, and near impossible at 40. Sure, you can go to some space-age clinic in Sherman Oaks where they can give you twins by sticking octuplets in there and letting six die, but all those miscarriages are God’s way of saying, “€œI hate retards,”€ and the ones that survive are going to be autistic. Old ladies aren”€™t meant to procreate, and adoption is a crappy consolation prize reserved for the very wealthy.

Nannies are like lawyers and both are like calculators. You start out using them for the hard stuff and the next thing you know, you”€™re asking it to add 10 + 10. Today’s upwardly mobile moms won”€™t bring their kids to the park without a nanny present, but if you need help watching children play, you need to get a retroactive abortion. That nanny abandoned her eight kids back in the Philippines to watch your spoiled little creature navigate the monkey bars. By hiring her, you”€™re supporting an industry that outsources love. Who are you”€”Cruella de Vil?

As Steve Sailer has made very clear, the traits we find attractive in the opposite sex are based on exaggerating our differences. Men can”€™t grow hair as long as women can, so prove you”€™re a woman and let it grow to the floor. American women seem to think that once they give birth, they have to visit Rachel Maddow’s barber for the rest of their life. This is tantamount to rape, because when we have sex with you from behind, we look down and see this weird smirking Boy Scout getting drilled. Thanks for that.

Every summer there’s a new trend that makes our dicks shrivel so far into our bodies, it looks like we have two belly buttons. Last year we survived a Jesus-sandal craze. This year women are taking their long, beautiful Rapunzel locks and twisting them it into a stupid bagel hat. Hair buns say, “€œI had sex with my boyfriend twice this morning and I”€™m here to do laundry, so leave me alone.”€ If that’s what you”€™re going for, then by all means spray that boner repellent all over your head. But if you want to attract the opposite sex, don”€™t tie one of your biggest assets into a knot. It’s a bunner.

Please stop pretending you are as horny as us by saying things like you enjoy staring at the players”€™ buns during the Super Bowl. We like ass because we”€™re going to do something with it. We”€™re going to eat it. What are you going to do with a man’s ass”€”caress it? Clean it? Iron his work shirts on it? Yeah, right. If women were as horny as men, gay males wouldn”€™t have invented AIDS and gay females wouldn”€™t be victims of lesbian bed death.

In conclusion: Be a woman. Men are numbers-obsessed robotic brutes who have no interest in miracles and beauty and all the other things that make life worth living. If you really want to go over spreadsheets with us and discuss sweat equity while lifting cinderblocks, welcome aboard. But if you”€™re among the other 99% of women, stop resisting your biological traits. Unless you”€™re a guy, there’s no shame in being a girl.



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