April 06, 2015

Source: Shutterstock

In a 2013 article for Psychology of Women Quarterly“€”I always keep a stack of “€™em in the bathroom”€”a pair of chicks named Julia C. Becker and Janet K. Swim encouraged women “€œto see the unseen”€”€”in other words, to imagine they”€™re the targets of sexism and racism even when all the evidence points to the contrary.

In a hairy-vulva”€™d nutshell, what we”€™re looking at here is the feminist version of the racial ideas of “€œwhite privilege”€ and “€œinstitutional racism.”€ Once you”€™ve scared the living daylights out of everyone alive to the point where they”€™re terrified that even their own shadows will be deemed racist, you start imagining racial microaggression”€ popping up everywhere around you. Soon thereafter, your fevered brain begins conjuring racial nanoaggressions. They preach from a gospel claiming there’s a ubiquitous, culturally institutional fire-breathing epidemic of racial hatred that threatens to eat the nation’s soul alive. When this prophecy fails to deliver again and again, the true believer is forced to start making shit up.

Same goes for the idea of “€œbenevolent sexism.”€ Are the ladies these days so utterly bonkers that they”€™re trying to argue that being nice to them is a way to suffocate them?

Fine, then. Let the ladies breathe. Do not, under any circumstances, be nice to them. Never compliment their looks, because everyone knows that women are not fundamentally vain creatures who if given a choice would rather you find them incurably ugly. Do not buy them gifts, because by doing so you are mocking their subordinate role in the economic food chain. Do not shovel the snow from their walkways nor rake the leaves from their yards, because you are implying that they”€™re too weak to do it themselves. And above all, if they want you to move the TV to another room, turn them down, because gender roles are socially constructed and there’s no natural reason she shouldn”€™t be able to lift a 140-pound television set over her head as easily as you can.

Basically, if you want to prove you”€™re not a sexist, you should avoid being nice to women as often as possible. Warmth and fuzziness begone!

Hmm. In hindsight, that doesn”€™t sound too bad. You know, this new wave of feminism is starting to grow on me.


Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!