December 20, 2015
OBERLIN STUDENTS DECRY CULTURALLY INAUTHENTIC FRIED CHICKEN
The ever-vigilant, hyper-moralistic, extremely pampered students at Ohio’s Oberlin College are having conniptions over the fact that their school’s cafeterias do not feature authentic ethnic food and thus constitute a sustained gastronomic microaggression against the entire student body’s collective large intestine. A Vietnamese student says it’s “ridiculous” that the school serves Vietnamese sandwiches on ciabatta bread instead of French baguettes. Allegedly undercooked sushi rice was deemed “disrespectful” of Japanese culture by an aggrieved female Japanese student. And black pupils are complaining that the school has failed to make fried chicken a weekly menu staple on Sunday nights. No, we’re not making that last part up.
IN SEARCH OF HITLER’s OTHER TESTICLE
England’s Mirror reports that a German historian has reviewed a 1923 medical report on Adolf Hitler where the examining physician noted that the future Fuhrer suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism””meaning that his right testicle was undescended. Some would suggest that this alleged revelation proves that Hitler was a sexual freak who lashed out at the world in rage for his crippling biological deformity. We can only imagine what he would have done with two balls.
CATHOLIC CARDINAL CALLS AMERICAN AMBASSADOR A “FAGGOT”
Gay activists are urging the Pope to reprimand Cardinal Nicolas de Jesus Lopez RodrÃguez, head of the Dominican Republic’s Catholic Church, for allegedly referring to openly gay US ambassador Wally Brewster as a “faggot” and “the wife to a man.” We urge the Pontiff to take a long hard look at Mr. Brewster and then declare with a straight face that he isn’t a faggot.
COLLEGE STUDENT SUSPENDED FOR SAYING BLACK WOMEN ARE “NOT HOT”
Thaddeus Pryor of Colorado College has been suspended for six months”which was bargained down from 21 months”for posting on anonymous social media messaging site Yik Yak stating his opinion that black women are “just not hot.” During the same discussion someone had also typed that white people are “dirty hippies with small dicks” who are “always fucking their cousins,” but these comments were not deemed suspension-worthy. The school is sending out a clear message: If you want to attend any of this great nation’s institutions of higher learning, you must find black women sexually attractive.
BUSH CALLS TRUMP “JERK,” TRUMP CALLS CLINTON “SNAKE,” PUTIN CALLS TRUMP “BRILLIANT”
Last week, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders”who really understands black people“likened Donald Trump’s proposal to temporarily ban Muslim immigration to the Holocaust, which everyone agrees is, like, the worst thing to, like, happen ever. The flailing and sweaty Jeb Bush referred to Trump as a “jerk,” while Trump countered that Bush is an “embarrassment.” Trump went on to refer to Hillary Clinton as a “snake.” Vladimir Putin called Trump “brilliant,” and Trump agreed.