April 01, 2018

Source: Bigstock

A bill passed earlier this month by South Africa’s Parliament allowed for acts of “hate speech” or “hate crimes”—we still don’t understand what those are or how they can possibly be quantified in any meaningful legal sense—to be punishable by up to three years in prison, which sounds a little hateful if you ask us, even though you didn’t.

Last week a white woman named Vicki Momberg was convicted of hate speech for calling a black police officer a “kaffir”—which, as all news reports will tell you, is the South African equivalent of the “n-word,” which we have suspected for decades to be “nodule.”

After reporting in 2016 that her car had been burglarized—presumably by a group of nodules—Momberg used the “k-word” 48 times. Video footage captured her oratory:

The kaffirs here in [Johannesburg] are terrible. I’m so sick of it. I really am.….I’m not going to change my mind. I hate the fucking blacks….They’re opinionated, they’re arrogant, and they’re just plain and simple…useless….If I see a kaffir, I will run him over. If I have a gun, I will shoot everybody.

In February, a white South African man was fined about $8,500 for calling a black man a “kaffir” during a dispute. In 2016, a white South African man was fined over $13,000 for calling black people “monkeys” in a Facebook post.

None of this sounds very nice, and we sincerely wish you would all grow up and get a life.

It never occurred to us that the light beer/dark beer dichotomy has sinister racial undertones, but you learn something every week.

A recent ad for Heineken committed the macroaggression of unabashedly stating that “sometimes, lighter is better,” leading to a ferocious social-media backlash that had the corporate brewers backpedaling and apologizing as if they’d actually done something wrong:

For decades, Heineken has developed diverse marketing that shows there’s more that unites us than divides us. While we feel the ad is referencing our Heineken Light beer, we missed the mark, are taking the feedback to heart and will use this to influence future campaigns.

“Kai” and “Franz” are two Welshpeople of indeterminate gender but scientifically verifiable unattractiveness who recently saw fit to complain to the British press that due to the fact that they have over 400 personalities between them, some days they go without eating because their younger personalities—and we’re talking about as young as four—take control, and everyone knows that four-year-olds don’t know how to cook.

They suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder and appeared in a documentary called My Multiple Personalities & Me in which one of Franz’s alter egos—known as an “alter” in the jargon of their wacky community—by the name of “Grey” described the horror of shopping for groceries:

It feels like we are shopping for 1,000 people. Imagine every time you went shopping, you’ve got an entourage of people saying “no, yes, no yes.”

That doesn’t sound like fun at all. Then again, neither do “Kai” and “Franz.” They sound extremely high-maintenance. Lord have mercy on the taxpayers of the weird and lonely nation of Wales.


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