May 27, 2018

Colin Kaepernick

Colin Kaepernick

Source: Bigstock

Since 2015 German Chancellor Angela Merkel has spread wide her cobwebbed legs and allowed a million alleged refugees from such glimmering tourist spots as Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa into her German homeland. Now comes news of a bribery scandal wherein German immigration officials are accused of granting asylum to migrants from known terrorist havens in exchange for cash favors and “restaurant visits.” In exchange for a few pieces of silver, German officials are enabling a scenario where it’s New Year’s Eve in Cologne for German women forever and ever, amen.

A sure sign that America is well on the path toward racial healing is the fact that so many white people are pretending to be black and so many blacks are pretending to be white.

Rachel Dolezal—who changed her name to Nkechi Diallo in 2016 even after it was revealed that she’s as white as Dairy Queen vanilla soft serve—is our favorite transblack activist, even better than Shaun “Talcum X” King. We suspect that she’d be extremely good in bed simply due to the fact that she’s madder than 1,000 hatters with 1,001 hats. In her undying quest to prove that she truly is black, she recently went and got herself accused of welfare fraud for allegedly failing to report large sums of income that would have disqualified her from receiving food stamps and child support from 2015 to 2017. The income allegedly came from her literary masterpiece of a memoir, In Full Color, in addition to cash earned from “speaking engagements, soap making, doll making, and the sale of her art.”

This week’s saga of a black person pretending they’re white comes in the form of 29-year-old Michigander Eddie Curlin, who has been fined $2,000 for causing heart palpitations at Eastern Michigan University for spray-painting “racist messages against African Americans.” 

The comically clueless white residents of the nearly all-white city of Portland, OR are further financing their displacement by throwing their dirty white money at something called “Reparations Happy Hour,” where white people shovel money at black people so they can get drunk at gatherings where no white people are allowed.

In Long Island, a 58-year-old Italian man caught on camera calling a black female train passenger a “fucking loud-mouthed monkey” is facing a year in jail on hate-crime charges. In Illinois, a white man named Bradley J. Qualls is also facing hate-crime charges for allegedly calling a black woman a “bitch fucking nigger” during a road rage incident. Qualls’s defense is that he calls everyone a nigger regardless of their race, and we have to admit that’s the most truly egalitarian excuse for using that word we’ve ever heard.

But these two cases should only go to prove the old maxim: If you can’t do the crime, don’t say mean things to black women.

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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