June 04, 2017
Source: Wikimedia Commons
LEBRON JAMES: IT’s HARD TO BE BLACK IN AMERICA
It’s a little-known fact that the name “LeBron” is derived from an obscure French slang phrase that roughly translates as “The Bron.”
James is widely regarded as the planet’s finest basketball player and is worth an estimated $400 million, an amount that would seem to rival the GDP of several African nations. But last week, one of his many mansions was allegedly defaced with spray paint using an unprintable word that starts with “N” and rhymes with chigger, trigger, bigger, digger, jigger, rigor, and vigor. Beyond giving you those clues, we will NOT tell you what that word is, and we will do our best to not even THINK of that word.
Last week James held a press conference where he lamented being a Negro American:
No matter how much money you have, no matter how famous you are, no matter how many people admire you, being black in America is”it’s tough…It just goes to show that racism will always be a part of the world, a part of America. Hate in America, especially for African Americans, is living every day….I think back to Emmett Till’s mom, actually….It’s one of the first things I thought of, the reason that she had an open casket is because she wanted to show the world what her son went through as far as a hate crime and being black in America.
If it’s tough being black in America, we can”t even imagine how tough it is being black in Africa.
PREGNANT MAN PREPARES TO SHOOT A BABY OUT OF HIS CROTCH
Trystan Reese is a “pregnant trans man” who lives in Portland, OR”of course”with her male partner, an adorable little ginger man with the wonderful name of Biff Chaplow. Even though Reese claims to be a man, she has a vagina, which makes any mainstream news story about the case unintentionally hilarious as reporters stumble all over themselves trying to get the gender pronouns correct”and almost always getting them wrong.
Even though Reese claims it’s a very dangerous world in which to be transgender”after all, trannies are being routinely murdered in the streets by beer-bellied transphobes who violently misgender them”she has no qualms about blasting her pregnancy to the world, hoping she can awake an ignorant populace to the fact that men can have babies simply by squatting down and magically shooting them from between their legs like cannonballs.
UH-OH, HERE COME THE “CLIMATE REFUGEES”
Everyone knows that the only reason Donald Trump stepped away from the Paris Climate Accord last week is because he’s a racist asshole who hates brown people. This becomes clear once you realize that the catastrophic climate change that will almost immediately occur in the wake of Trump’s decision will flood America and Europe with nearly 50 million “climate refugees“ who will forever alter the demographic face of these once predominantly Caucasian land masses. This is ultimately a good thing, and although it may lead to a perpetual race war, at least we”ll be killing one another amidst clean air and sparkling water.
