October 14, 2013


Mark "Chopper" Read

A new Pew Research study reveals that 1.2 million non-Jewish Americans claim to feel “Jew-ish” despite the fact that they are not religious Jews and can trace no Jewish ancestors.

Asian American evangelicals are howling about a video parody of The Karate Kid by Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church in California that they feel is insensitive and downright hurtful to slant-eyed believers everywhere. “Would they have done this to black people?” asked an incensed Rev. Christine Lee, who is, as are most annoying Asians, a Korean. Pastor Warren dismissed the criticism, alleging that Jesus was an accomplished satirist who “inserted several laugh lines…in the Sermon on the Mount.”

A British sportscaster found himself in the midst of a moral panic after insinuating that many Polish people work in the construction industry. Even though he claimed to be currently employing Polish people to do construction work on his house, Adrian Chiles offered a very swift and very public apology.

Vandals tagged a Queens neighborhood with several silver-painted swastikas, thus fulfilling the hopes, dreams, and fears of those who claim that anti-Semitism is some inexplicable mysterious infectious mental disease rather than a common historical reaction to Jewish behavior.

Last month in Tennessee, 19-year-old Red Lobster waitress Toni Jenkins claimed that rather than leaving a tip, a white customer scrawled the dreaded “N-word” (which, though unconfirmed, we presume to be “narwhal”) on his bill. After posting about the event on Facebook, Jenkins found herself the recipient of a check totaling nearly $11,000 sent to her by the professional fundraisers at YouCaring.com. A spokesman for YouCaring claimed that the fundraiser “was about sending a message to racists that Americans aren’t going to tolerate that.” Either that, or it’s sending a message to nonwhites that they can score lots of money for claiming that whites acted racist toward them.

Even though a witness reportedly claimed hearing someone in a group of four black males who stabbed a white Seattle-area man to death on October 5 calling their victim a “cracker,” prosecutors claim that the stabbing was not racially motivated.

A female school-cafeteria worker in Grand Rapids, MI, has been fired after it emerged that she gave $1 to a pair of fourth-graders in order to beat up another fourth-grader she felt had disrespected her.

Australian cult hero and serial criminal Mark “Chopper” Read, whose exploits led to a 2000 film based on his life and a lucrative career as an author of such literary classics as Hooky the Cripple, has died of liver cancer.

According to recent FBI stats, people who live in Tennessee were more likely to be victimized by violent crime than residents of any other state.

After receiving a summons from a gruff and sexually ambiguous female NYPD officer, the driver of a Mr. Softee ice-cream truck filmed the policewoman grabbing her crotch and telling him to blow her.

Forty-year-old Englishman John Jackson has died from an overdose as a result of ingesting too many caffeine-laced mints.

In 1994, an Ohio judge declared Donald Miller, Jr., who’d been missing for eight years at the time, to be legally dead. Miller, who is now attempting to get a driver’s license and have his Social Security number reinstated, appeared recently before another Ohio judge seeking to be officially declared alive. The legal snag is that Ohio has a three-year limit on reversing a death ruling. “I don’t know where that leaves you,” the judge told Miller, “but you’re still deceased as far as the law is concerned.

In Israel, controversy swirls over the sexuality of two allegedly male puppets named “Plug” and “Socket” who in a recent commercial for an electric company have welcomed a new baby puppet into their world. It recalls a prior kerfuffle about Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie’s sexuality that eventually prompted Sesame Workshop officials to announce that Bert and Ernie “€œremain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.”€


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