December 24, 2010
The night Obama was elected, the streets around my Brooklyn home were hysterical with glee. People were climbing up streetlights and screaming “OBAMA!” at the top of their lungs as if he wasn”t just another politician. It was a riot of naÃ¯vetÃ©, and its stupidity stupefied me.
The government in D.C. is just a very big DMV. They are all incompetent boobs totally out of touch with the real world. They have no real interest in anything but their own lunch break. In fact, the only good politicians are the ones who hate politicians and are trying to dismantle government from the inside-out.
Reagan was my favorite president by far, but it wasn”t because he was smart. He believed in Martians, for chrissakes. No, I loved Reagan because he kept his hands in his pockets and did as little politicking as possible.
When politicians actually try to get involved in our lives, they do more damage than big business. In an era of Enron, BP, and Fannie Mae, that’s saying something.
Here are my 10 favorite political cock-ups of 2010.
1. OBAMA CRITICIZES SELF-PROMOTION WHILE ON THE VIEW
Obama was loosely elected for hope and change and ended up hoping for loose change. A site I regularly pilfer, Hot Air, has a hilariously thorough compendium of jaw-dropping “Obamateurisms.” I found it tough to choose one, but this is irresistible. It’s a perfect example of how completely unaware politicians are of their surroundings. His actual quote was, “We shouldn’t be campaigning all the time.” He might as well have been complaining that the drinks taste shitty while he’s taking a huge crap in the punchbowl.
2. JOHN BOEHNER CRYING
This Ohio Republican cries more than a junkie shoplifter with bad luck, but the best example was on 60 Minutes when he bookmarked his tears with Obama compliments and even sobbed that he”d like to play golf with the guy some time. On the bright side, Dan Rather is now in second place for most embarrassing American blubberer.
3. ANTI-MEDICARE GUY WANTS HIS MEDICARE
Maryland Republican Andy Harris was elected because he’s a doctor who opposed Obamacare. Then, on his first day in office, he starts bitching like a spoiled baby about his healthcare taking 28 days to kick in. Spraying irony out of his facial anus, he indignantly dragged on until it dominated the entire Congressional freshman-orientation meeting. He should have been forced to have surgery to remove his hypocrisy.
4. IMITATING HANDICAPPED PEOPLE TO GET VOTES
From all over the political spectrum in all levels of the hierarchy, anyone can be a useless tool. New York State Assemblyman Bob Reilly may not be president, but the wall that separates him from reality is just as opaque. Check out this clip where he recreates a meeting with a cerebral palsy victim and milks it for every crippled grunt he can eke out of it:
5. LIVE RAP SHOWS AT THE LOUISIANA HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
The fact-checkers at this site are ball-busters, so there’s no way I”m going to get away with saying this happened later than 2009, but can we please leave it in? In 2010, Louisiana steadfastly continued refusing to apologize for wasting tax dollars to hear a man-child rap about how he wants to bang Halle Berry. So can we keep it in? Please? [Sure, as long as you realize we wipe far more bottoms than we bust balls.]