April 23, 2008

In what may count as the first wine commercial starring a Wahabi mullah, Omar Al-Sweilem waxes lyrical on what awaits the suicide bombing classes on the first 72 of their 1001 Arabian nights in Paradise: the text hardly does credit to Al Sweilem’s performance, which I suggest you lay back on your musk scented cushions and view here in its John Belushi worthy entirety

“Harith Ibn Al-Muhasibi told us what would happen when we meet the black-eyed virgin with her black hair and white face – praised be He who created night and day.

“What hair! What a chest! What a mouth! What cheeks! What a figure! What breasts! What thighs! What legs! What whiteness! What softness! Without any creams – no Nivea, no Vaseline. No nothing!”

“He said that faces would be soft that day. Even your own face will be soft without any powder or makeup. You yourself will be soft, so how soft will a black-eyed virgin be, when she comes to you so tall and with her beautiful face, her black hair and white face – praised be He who created night and day. “

“He said: How soft will a fingertip be, after being softened in paradise for thousands of years! There is no god but Allah. He told us that if you entered one of the palaces, you would find 10 black-eyed virgins sprawled on musk cushions.”

“When they see you, they will get up and run to you. Lucky is the one who gets to put her thumb in your hand. When they get hold of you, they will push you onto your back, on the musk cushions. They will push you onto your back, Jamal! Allah Akbar! I wish this on all people present here.

“He said that one of them would place her mouth on yours. Another one would press her cheek against yours, yet another would press her chest against yours, and the others would await their turn. There is no god but Allah.”

And now for the Commercial:

“He told us that one black-eyed virgin would give you a glass of wine. Wine in Paradise is a reward for your good deeds. The wine of this world is destructive, but not the wine of the world to come.”

But what’s it to be?

Shiraz from Shiraz? The amontillado of al Andalus?  Or that great Lebanese standby, the Roger Scruton and Auberon Waugh( Blessings and peace be upon them ) approved vin de garde of the Bekaa valley,


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