The Grey Lady Shrinks

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The Grey Lady Shrinks

The New York Times, which raised its price by 25 percent in July, from one dollar to $1.25, narrowed its perspective by 12 percent on August 6, when it cut the width of the paper by an inch and a half to 12 inches, according to a brief, apparently truncated story that ended in the middle of a sentence in The NwYrk Times, as the paper now calls itself. The Times also revealed that it would be changing its venerable masthead slogan as well, from “€œAll the News That’s Fit to Print”€ to “€œAll the News That Fits We”€™ll Print.”€

The White House Steroid Scandal

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The White House Steroid Scandal

Hubris (TM) had originally been patented by Nemesis, the Greek pharmaceuticals giant, but was withdrawn after questions were raised. The literature on the drug, which dates back to the 5th century B.C., lists serious possible side effects, including patricide, incest, blindness, madness, repeated attacks by furies, and chronic lying–accompanied by the compulsive invasion and wrecking of remote countries. Nevertheless, the high it produces is so irresistible that not only the Bush team but its devoted fans, including pundits, magazine editors, and radio talk-show hosts, have been, as one investigator put it, “€œscarfing it down like candy”€ after obtaining it from shadowy neighborhood dealers in Washington and New York under its street name, Chickenhawk Viagra.

Bush Declares Something Accomplished

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Bush Declares Something Accomplished

Wearing the same flight suit he had worn in 2003, though he appeared to have it on backwards, Bush stressed the significance of the new holiday, declaring, “€œWell, anyway, we”€™ve accomplished something. We”€™ve accomplished a new excuse for not showing up for work. And I”€™m going to appoint a presidential panel headed by Harriet Miers and Michael Brown to see if maybe they can get somebody to remembrance what this day of remembrance is all about. At least then we”€™ll have a commission accomplished.”€

Cheney Converts to Islam

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Cheney Converts to Islam

Dick Cheney has kept his faith a private matter, choosing not to reveal it to President Bush, a sincere Christian who has vowed to read the entire Bible someday, just as soon as he finishes My Pet Goat. But it has led to considerable tension in the Cheney household…


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